I don’t think we would last very long if we tried. But I still miss you. I miss falling asleep in your arms and arguing with you, proving you wrong, getting you off your high horse.
I miss you. It’s been a couple days now since you last texted me and still every time I check my phone I hope it’s you. I know we would never work out. I know I would get annoyed by your big ego on a daily basis if we were serious, but I still hope you’ll come and prove me wrong for once.
I miss our deep talks. I miss how comfortable you made me from day 1. I miss how somehow I could tell you everything. I miss the way your hair fell into your face and how you’d play your guitar just for me, right after I got to wake up in your bed.
I miss the way your face lit up when you started talking about music or your tattoos. I miss how you’d kiss me and then sigh my name like I’m the only thing you can hold on to while everything else changes.
I miss the moment you looked me in my eyes and told me that I would never have to hide anything from you. I don’t remember the last time I felt that safe with someone.
I asked you what I am to you and you couldn’t give a clear answer. You made me fall for you, and when I tried to hold onto your hand to save myself, you pulled it away. I could see it wasn’t easy for you, but I could also see that it was easier than giving me a chance.
And maybe that’s the difference between us. You choose the easy way out, you choose what you know and what you’re confident in while I choose the hard ways. The challenges, the battles. I fight and you run. And that’s ok.
Last time I saw you, everything was different. We laughed but didn’t hold hands. You said something about us not hooking up anymore and I laughed to conceal my disappointment.
And then, before I went home, you kissed me anyway. But it didn’t feel like you wanted it. Like you wanted me. It felt like you thought you were giving me what I wanted.
So I went home, feeling confused, feeling dirty and giddy at the same time. And that’s when I decided I would stop chasing you. Because, despite all the love I hold for you in my heart, it disgusts me how you can play with me and my feelings like that. With that kiss, you didn’t give me what I wanted.
You gave me what I needed to move on from you. And though I do still miss you and I do check my phone and hope to see your name pop up, I know that, no matter how awesome and out of my league I used to think you are, I still deserved better.
Thank you for everything, guitar guy. This is my goodbye.