Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months!
What's Forrest Gump's password?
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A roamin' catholic!
What's blue and smells like red paint?
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "P" is silent.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because seven was a registered six offender.
My grandpa has the heart of a lion.....
....and a lifetime ban from the zoo
What's something that's red and bad for your teeth?
If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner for a bit.
They are usually around 90 degrees.
Why can't bicycles stand on their own?
They are two tired.
Why does a flamingo stand on one leg?
If it didn't stand on any, it'd fall over.
A toothless termite walks into a bar and asks
is the bar tender here?
How does a train eat?
It goes chew, chew.
What's gray and can't fly?
A parking lot.
What did the perverted frog say?
Sorry, I prefer Google.
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"
Where do cows go for a first date?
To the mooooovies!
What's large, grey, and doesn't matter?
Always trust people who like big butts.
They cannot lie.
What do you give a sick bird?
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team?
Because she kept running from the ball!
What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A private tutor!
What's brown and sticky?
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He neverlands! (This joke never gets old)