“You may be able to forget about that-but I can’t!” Dean was gone leaving those final words ringing in Sam’s ears, probably back to his room to drink himself to unconsciousness.
Sam sat at the table and realised he had been an idiot, a totally blind idiot. What was that expression Crowley used? “Bollocks” it seemed to cover everything he was feeling.
He made himself think about the last couple of years, made himself re-evaluate everything.
Dean’s obsession with saving Cas from Amara, the multiple phone calls, the bickering and the way Cas had suddenly started spending more time at the bunker.
Sam groaned and covered his face, then he remembered last valentines day. When Dean had an unexplained hicky on his neck and Sam was sure he had not gone out.
Okay he had his suspicions, so had other people. Jody had once asked him straight out “Is Cas Dean’s boyfriend?” he had laughed it off, made a joke of it.
He remembered as well that Jody had looked him in a weird way, almost as if she thought he was stupid or lying to himself.
He had been lying to himself that much was obvious, not just that he had hurt his brother. Hurt him without even meaning too. He knew why of course, Dean had always been the strong one.
The one that held their family together and over the years Sam had grown to expect that, it was Dean’s job.
Who had been holding Dean together all this time? Cas-and Sam had just dismissed Dean’s grief, told him to mourn later.
“I’m a fucking moron” He told himself out loud and wiped traitorous tears from his cheeks. Throwing their Dad in his brother’s face as well, understandable maybe, but now Sam felt sick.
“Why didn’t you just tell me, you idiot”
“Tell you what?”Jack stood in the doorway, there were tears in the kids eyes.
“Sorry Jack, I was talking to myself.”
“Has Dean gone.” Wariness like a frightened animal. Sam took a breath, they were all broken it seemed and this time it was up to him to put them back together.
“Yeah, I think he went to his room. You understand why he is angry though Jack?”
“Yes, I heard him. He’s not angry though, he’s sad.”Jack sat down gingerly, ready to run if Dean should appear.
“Yes he is very sad and that makes him angry.”
“You’re not as sad. Castiel was your friend you told me, but you-”
“Cas was like my brother Jack, but he and Dean they were very close.” Sam’s voice shook, he had to swallow a sob, someone had to be strong here.
The kid looked at him with eyes that were not that different to Cas’ really.
“You should tell him., you should tell him you know.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea Jack, Deans not in a good place right now. I don’t want to make him feel worse.” Jack wasn’t looking at Sam, he was staring in the direction of Deans room.
“I don’t think there is any way to make him feel worse.”The kid paused and pushed his hair out of his eyes, then rubbed his neck the way Cas used to when he was embarrassed.
“before I was born, I sometimes used to hear my Father and Mom talking. Castiel said you and Deans problem was you would make things much more complicated than they needed to be.”
“well he wasn’t wrong about that.” Sam found himself smiling.
“So maybe you should talk to him” Jack trapped Sam with that blue eyed gaze. “before things get worse.” Sam leaned back the kid was right, what was he a week old? and he was right.
He walked along the corridor in trepidation, Deans door was shut. He knocked lightly, no response. He tried again with more force. “Go the fuck away.”
“Dean, I need to talk to you.”
“I told you to leave me alone.” His brothers voice sounded strange, hoarse and broken. Sam hesitated before turning the door knob, not locked. “Sammie please-”pleading now.
Sam took a look around the darkened room, lit only by a lamp lying on its side. It was a mess, books and papers strewn across the floor mixed with beer and bourbon bottles.
His brother sat on the bed, a grey blanket wrapped round his shoulders and an angel blade laid across his knees. As he drew closer Sam saw the tip of the blade was clotted with dried blood.
Oh god, he knew instinctively whose blood that was.
“Dean-” Words failed him, how had he not known?
Carefully he sat down next to his brother, Dean seemed to have shrunk, shoulders hunched, head hanging and one hand resting on the hilt of the angel blade.
He took a breath, the air in the room was stale tinged with alcohol fumes and some thing more insidious-regret.
Carefully as if his brother was made of glass Sam draped an arm over his shoulders. “I’m sorry man, I didn’t know. Well maybe I did but- I don’t know.” No response “Dean please say something.
” His brother sighed a long drawn out sound like a death rattle.
“I loved him Sammie, I never thought I could love some one like that.” Sam’s throat closed up, he wanted to ask a million questions, but he restrained himself.
Instead he pulled his brother into a hug.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry I was so blind. I’m sorry I expected you to just get on with it. Take all the time you need okay.” Dean finally met his eyes, Sam was horrified at the emptiness there.
“I don’t think it ever will be okay again Sammie.”
“Dean, you still have me and Jack, wouldn’t Cas want you to look after him?”
“I can’t Sammie, I just can’t.”
“Okay. Then I’ll look after you and Jack.” Sam tightened his grip on his brother and sat there until Deans head lolled against his shoulder.
Carefully he lifted the soiled Angel blade on to the night stand and laid his brother down, tucking the blanket round him securely.
Remembering all the times Dean had tucked him in as a child, had soothed his nightmares and generally made the world bearable. Now it was Sam’s turn and the immensity of the task scared him.
For the first time Sam allowed himself to pray, not to Chuck, but to Cas. “I’m sorry Cas, please come home.”