Sometimes you dont get to decide what you feel.
Sometimes you can't just "Be happy".
It doesn't work like that.
When you are depressed and suicidal you dont get to pick and choose who and what you want.
Your mind does.
It's like your heart and mind are in love, and one day your mind cheats on you.
Next thing you know you're crying and...
Out of the blue,
You realize those aren't tears dripping on the ground.