I have these moments when I'm fine,
I do good in school and maintain a decent social life.
and then I have days like today
I feel cold to my bones
the thought of being too close to another person
makes me dizzy.
its just that every time I close my eyes
there is a dark picture to greet me.
its my mom leaving
with my brother on her hip
my sisters hand in hers.
its my dad telling me,
"You shouldn't eat so much"
because boys don't love fat girls.
its the boy
who thought my being drunk was an invitation
leaving purple bruises to blossom on my skin
when he realized it wasn't.
its the first boy I ever loved
to find him soaked in blood.
his last words cut deeper than I ever could.
its looking down at my hand
to see the engagement ring you bought me
only to remember its sitting at the bottom of a lake,
and youre with the wedding planner.
its not trusting myself or anyone else.
I have these moments
when I'm fine.
but I think its safe to say,
that I am so far from okay.