And it wasn't that love at first sight bullshit.
I just knew that you were going to change me somehow. I wanted a change. I needed it. To this day, I still don't know if it was for better or for worse.
Maybe I chose to change, or maybe you made me, I don't know
But you took a girl that prayed to God every night for death and you made her remember to breathe. And it doesn't seem like much. But you saved my life. Your laugh, your smile, was my everything.
You were my first love, you taught me what it meant to love.
And it was beautiful. The only two times in my life where I've felt completely okay with being alive were when you were standing on the field beside me, watching the sunrise.
Is that what love feels like?
Because all I know is that you took this horrible wreckage of a person, and you set my bones, stitched up my soul. You taught me how to love and be loved. And without you knowing, I loved you.
I never actually got to say that. "Love." It's so serious.
But you had a girlfriend the entire time I knew you. It was serious. And I was just that frumpy, little girl with a baritone and a red face. So maybe that's why you left.
Maybe that's why you never looked back.
You already had everything you needed. So you left the frumpy, little girl and you moved on and you never replied to her texts and you left her there, trying to remember how to breathe.
You left me there, standing on the sideline, gasping for air
You once told me that I knew what I was doing, but I had to be more confident. I have no idea what I'm doing. I stood on that sideline, holding back tears because I didn't think I could do it.
You were my crutch, my lifeline, my bypass, my everything.
And I was your nothing. I stepped onto that field, and I played as loud as I could because I had to, because the silence hurt too much. I could hear my soul crying in the silence.
You meant everything to me and you left.
People romanticize pain, being broken, but there is no such thing as beautiful carnage. I thought you fixed me, but you slapped a bandaid on a hole in my chest and let me lie to myself.
You never looked back at me but I was always looking for you
I waited for the big kids to come back from some meeting you had, or some party that ran late, but then I was the big kid. I am the big kid. And it hurts to say it, but I know you won't come back
That's fine. Good for you. I hope you're well.
You left new wounds in my heart, but that's okay. Because your leaving taught me not just how to survive, but how to live. I learned how to sew myself up without you. I healed without you. Almost
Once upon a time, you left a frumpy, little girl.
Now, I'm a grown ass woman that knows how to love herself. My face isn't red anymore, and my heart doesn't hurt as much now. I take the field with confidence because now, I don't need a crutch.
Maybe, one day, I'll see you again.
And I will tell you how I felt because I owe myself that. Because no matter how hard I try to convince myself, everyone, that I'm mad you left, I still love you. And that sucks.
But at least you'll be able to look at me and see me.
Maybe you'll look at me and see a woman that can handle her own instead of a little girl that can't be confident. You always saw the best in me, you always believed in me, and I hate that.
I hate that because it makes it so much harder to hate you.
So, do me a favor, if you ever see me again, please, hug me like you used to, don't look too close because I don't want you to see the scars that haven't healed. I just want you to believe in me.
Please, just believe in me like you used to.
Because the more I think about it, the less I believe in myself. And I tried to be strong, I did. But every day I get a little worse. And now, I'm so much worse than when you found me.
So please, don't look too close.
I don't want you to be disappointed. I don't want you to know that I fell apart when you left. That my entire life crumbled as soon as you were gone. I don't want you to know.
I'm a grown woman now and I'm more of a mess than ever.
And I needed you, I needed you to help me breathe because it's getting really hard now. Did you know I almost killed myself a few weeks ago? Did you know that I'm too tired for this anymore?
Do you even know?
How could you? How could you ever know. That's the funny thing about wreckage, if you aren't in it, you can walk away, but me? I'm stuck here. I'm stuck in this forever.
But you know something?
The sunrise isn't as pretty with you walking into it.