As if everything else isn't enough, Eren acts like I don't exist at all. He blames me for not protesting against Reiner and Bertolt in any way, and abandoning him.
He doesn't say it, but I can see how he looks at me. In his eyes I betrayed him. I can't deny it, because that's exactly how I feel, and there is no one who can convince me otherwise.
Jean has been keeping me constant company, in fear I might lose it again, if left alone.
- Don't worry about that brat, Desi. He's always angry at someone.
I envy how carefree Jean seems, but I doubt that's really true.
- Jean, thank you for everything tonight, but I need to be alone now. I hope you can understand.
- Yeah...Sure, Shortie, just don't worry yourself too much, alright?
- I'll try.
I wave to him, and make my way outside. I meet some of the other scouts on my way out.
Am I imagining things, or they're actually looking at me in a different way? I don't know anymore, and I already have enough stuff on my mind.
These late walks have become like a ritual to me. I'm not really good with crowds of people, I prefer this solitude. Probably why I hardly make friends.
I sit down on my usual spot, and look at the crescent moon. I close my eyes, and lie down on the soft grass. This place holds a dear memory, but I do my best not to dwell on that.
I try to clear my head, and allow the peacefulness of the night to relax me.
- I can't concentrate.
All of Erwin Smith's attempts to get any work done turned out fruitless. In his irritation, he shoved some of the papers away from his desk, and they fell to the ground.
His head hurt, and he just couldn't remain in one place. He had to get rid of all of this frustration, to let it out somehow. Erwin got up from his chair, and walked to the window.
He opened it to let some fresh air in, and looked outside. And that's where he saw her - in her usual spot.
Was this his goal all along? To see if she will come here again? Why would he even look for her?
He was angry, furious even, and yet he wanted to believe, he wanted to trust her completely once more. Yesterday he was afraid of losing her, and now he couldn't even bare to look at her.
Why? Because she saw things differently, because she didn't hate someone she should hate? Was that even a good reason?
All of these confusing thoughts were making his headache even more unbearable. Right when he was about to move away from the window, she looked up in his direction, and their eyes met.
I feel a weird sensation, like someone is watching me, so I open my eyes and that's when I see him. There is no doubt about it - the Commander is looking my way.
Ever since the first day his eyes have had their impact on me. They gave me hope, courage and warmth, and even right now they are still as beautiful as ever. I can't look away.
But soon I am forced to. A few drops of rain make their way down and on my face, which startles me and I get up. They are quickly joined by more, and soon it's raining quite a lot.
But I don't move from my spot, and instead turn to the Commander once more.
"What is she thinking, sitting in the rain? She could easily get sick. That foolish girl."
Erwin Smith hesitated for a second, but he wasn't sure why. He knew perfectly well what he was about to do. It's been like this ever since the beginning.
He moved away from the window, walked out of his office, and paced quickly down the corridor.
"Ah, figures the Commander would walk away. He probably doesn't even want to look at me right now."
I ignore the strong pain in my chest, and after a bit I proceed to get up. After I do so, I see him come my way. I freeze in my spot.
- What are you trying to do, Desi? Have you gone crazy?
- Never mind that. Come.
The Commander takes his jacket off, puts it over my wet clothes and grabs my hand in his. It's so warm. I don't protest in any way, and follow him inside.
We remain silent the whole way to his bedroom. After we step inside, he offers me a towel.
- Dry yourself with this before you catch a cold.
He is kind as usual, but horribly distant. I can't take it anymore.
- Commander, please listen to what I have to say.
It's a short pause, but my heart is going crazy.
- Alright then. I'm listening.
- Thank you...
I take a deep breath.
- I know any apology would be pretty much useless at this point.
I want to make something clear - I don't have any relation with what happened to Wall Maria, and I am not an accomplice of Reiner and Bertolt. I know you probably thought that way.
I may be many things, I may act foolish and stubborn, but there is one thing I will never do, and one person I can never betray. That person is you, Commander.
Both my life as a soldier and my heart have always belonged to you.
Even if Erwin Smith had his doubts before, at this very moment they ceased to exist. This was his beautiful girl, who was always so foolishly honest. He felt so silly for going this far.
But most of all he felt relieved. And happy, yes, definitely happy. So he held her close, held her so tight like she could disappear from his sight at any moment.
Ah, I can't. It hurts, and feels so good at the same time. The emotion is so strong, I can't hold back from crying. My voice cracks and I let out everything I've been holding in.
How many times has it been now? How many times have I fallen for him over, and over again? Somehow, it feels like I will keep doing so, until the day I cease to exist.
- My precious girl...I am so sorry...
- No...I'm the one who's sorry...
At one point I realize I'm not the only one crying. Curse this wonderful man. When both of us finally start to feel better, I look up at him.
- Erwin, your eyes...they've changed color. They seem to be a lighter shade of blue.
- Is that so? So have yours. They're a much lighter green.
- Really? I see.
For some reason this simple fact makes me smile, and I let out a quiet laugh.
- That's much better. A smile suits you more.
I blush a bit.
- This is the first time I've ever seen you cry, Commander.
- It seems like you are the only person, who can make me cry. I don't think I've cried about anything since my father's death. But I don't want to talk about such things now.
- You're right. I am sorry for bringing it up.
- Enough apologies, my dear. And your hair and clothes are still wet.
- So are yours, since you've been hugging me tightly.
- Ah, I guess so.
A moment of silence hangs between us. I feel nervous, and I think the Commander does as well. I extend my hand and caress his cheek. He closes his eyes, and kisses the palm of my hand.
A pleasant feeling travels all around my body. He looks at me once more. I bite my lips nervously, stand on my tip toes and attempt to kiss him, but it turns out I'm too short. So embarrassing.
I try to hide my flushed face, but he takes a hold of it instead, and pecks my lips gently. He then looks at me in a way that makes me weak in the knees, and I can't help but voice my thoughts.
- Kiss me more, Erwin.
- My pleasure, Desi.
Our lips are united in a gentle, but passionate dance. I wrap my arms around his neck and press my body even closer to his. It may be selfish of me, but I can't lie to myself anymore.
I can never give him to anyone else, or give him up for that matter.
- Erwin...No one else...No one but me can kiss you like this. I won't allow it.
The Commander looks really surprised by my words. But his surprise is quickly replaced by a satisfied smile.
- Turns out you are way more possessive than me, my dear.
- Is that...a problem?
- Not even a bit. I couldn't be happier. There's still one thing that's missing though.
- Hmm? What is that?
- Your punishment. Tsk, tsk, you seem to constantly forget about it. Luckily, I have something appropriate for the occasion.
Huh? The Commander leaves me dumbfounded, and heads for his dresser. He comes back to my side, holding a black tie.
- Umm, what is that for, Commander?
- Don't tell me you have no idea?
- Not really.
"I actually do, but I am not saying that out loud!"
- Well then, let me give you a clue. Show me your hands.
I gulp hard, and hold both my hands in front of my body.
- Good girl.
The Commander slides the tie under both of them, and ties them up together in a tight knot. Well, that's it; I'm definitely going to have a heart attack.
- Are you scared, my dear?
I shake my head.
- Then why are you trembling?
- Ah, well, maybe a little bit.
- There is nothing to be afraid of. Trust me.
The Commander takes me in his arms, and carries me to his bed.