7:05 on a Friday night, laying on my bed under the covers trying to hide, trying to suppress the feelings that lay on my mind, searching for any reason not to go out tonight,
I call your phone hope you won't pick up the line, hoping we could call it a night,
maybe we could save it for some other time, so I can stay at home safe, locked in my mind.
No, to no surprise you answer the phone the excitement in your voice, part of the reason I couldn't say no.
You tell me "I'll be there soon" now you got me thinking what am I going to do.
I try to find the words to say but before I can say anything you ask, "are you okay?" I hesitate.
"I'm fine, and ready to turn up tonight" a lie but only one of us knows that's right,
you end the conversation by telling me "I'll be there in five." I'm really running out of time.
So, I find a dress that shows off my legs, puff out my chest. My confidence is low but this is as bad as it gets.
Put my make-up on to hide who I am, continuing the lie.
Carrying this weight, I know I'm digging my own grave but for my own sake I got to do the best that I can.
7:45 were having pre-drinks at mine, your on your third shot; tequila and lime.
I haven't even gone through one of mine. Its about time that I draw the line.
But I feel empty inside from all the questions filling up in my mind; do I look okay?
Would you turn away if I told you I wasn't okay? Can I keep up? Where can I find the courage to tell you enough is enough?
You see my anxiety is on fire but that something you can't see. It lies deep inside of me and lately I'm finding it hard to express my feelings.
Maybe I should take that drink you made me. Tequila and lime, salt packed on the rim to hide the sting, put out the fire that's burning within.
Drown my feelings out with a bottle of gin. I think I'm going to be sick, if I keep going like this,
walking in a pair of shoes that just don't fit I know my feelings will come back up to haunt me by the morning.
8:15 Uber's here, you're sitting in the back half blind, laughing and I have no idea why.
You think the driver is cute. You start talking to him, your eyes telling lies
making it seem as if you've met the man of your dreams.
I kind of feel like your Ignoring me, the way I wish it could be. A degree of separation I'm trying hard to keep.
I give you a fake smile every time you look at me, I don't want you to know what I'm
holding back, I don't want you see all of my insecurities.
About to get to the club, I feel my heart jump.
I help you out of the cab, on your feet but you can barely stand up.
Walk over to security, no Id's but with a look he let us walk right in.
8:32 and you say you want to dance with somebody. Flashing lights and white noise got me feeling dizzy. I head to the bar for a glass of water.
I get there unnoticeably, praying nobody will notice me.
I look around to see everybody judging me.
The boys must be attempting to do addition with their liquor filled heads, as if studying for a test.
Like "is she a ten?" "A nine?" "An eight?" "A seven?"
before you try and figure out what's next let me ask you a question.
If I wiped off this makeup and left myself bare, maybe took off this dress and put on
pj's and slippers instead. Let my hair down trusting you enough to let you know who I am tell me what would you think of me then?
My head hanging low, Why am so judgemental.
Why can't I just feel comfortable, in a strange place, strangers look just like me so why do I feel so lonely when all I try to do is fit in?
About to head home, I look over my shoulder to see you walking over. My lungs get
colder as I see you smile at me. My legs frozen solid as you ask, "you want to dance with me?"
Were moving to the music, I can feel your gaze on me but something tells me that if
our eyes ever meet that you will see right through me. I trust my gut feeling stupidly.
6 A.M. alarm goes off your hand on my shoulder. I hate myself for being like this.
I hate what we did, playing pretend as if love was a game. But I've had my heart broken to many times to trust what's fake.
You hit and miss, leave your number when I didn't even catch a name.
never to be heard from again. I find it funny that all these men are the same.
I grab my things, take a quick look in the mirror smudges all over starting to look like all the mistakes I've made.
I'm a mess. Walking home my head full of shame.
Peering eyes looking at a disgrace. I pick up the pace, hold my breath till I get home,
sitting behind locked doors where no one can remind me of what I have done.
6:23 on a Saturday evening, I get a text from you, now I am wishing in all that confusion that my phone had gone missing.
"Hey last night was lit I don't even know where you went but
it sounds like you had more fun i did." Or so you think. "So, get ready to play last night on repeat."
Just for a moment my heart forgets to beat, I can feel my anxiety in the back of my mind laughing at me.
She knows when I'm low, too weak to lift the gloves up and
protect my dignity. But still I take my pride and put it aside to fight the truth that with every round I find it harder to put down.
I bite my lip as I start to cry. Take one more look in the mirror.
Staring at my opponent battered and emotionally bruised her weary eyes tell me that she has
nothing to lose and something to prove. I have to keep my focus up. Put my gloves on.
Bite down on my mouth guard ready for round two.