“I’m sitting here, with under four hours left before it’s 2018 and I’m scared but I'm ready
Ready for a new year, a new beginning, a fresh start, to forgive, to experience, to enjoy, to feel, to open up, to trust for a chance to be someone I’m proud of, to work on me.
It took me a while to realise that it was never you, it was me.
I’m too immature, too careless, too unemotional, too distant, too selfish.
I love the chase but I can never seem to stick around for what comes next.
I self sabotage because I’ve never known anything else.
I put up walls, go cold, smiles and laughs become silences and groans.
I make up excuses and I lie, “I’m just friendly”, “I don’t like [them]”, “they don’t like me”, “I’m not their type”, “they don’t like me because I’m not [insert body type, intelligence, race] etc.
But I’m not just lying to friends and family, I’m lying to myself.
Because even though I’m friendly, deep down im terrified.
Terrified of rejection, of failure, of the pain, of not being good enough for someone, to love and not be loved back,
to wake up one day and realise the person you’re waking up to isn’t the person you want to wake up to for the rest of your life.
And I realise that these thoughts stop me from starting anything, from pursuing anything, from taking the leap and maybe experiencing something magical.
But maybe I’m too immature and I need to grow more, or maybe I haven’t found the "right person”,
but how do you know who that person is if you don’t even know who you are as a person,
what you want, how you feel.
because sometimes, I don’t even know whether to get out of bed some mornings, let alone decide anything else." will i ever be ready?