The Negativity of an Expectancy

Autoplay OFF  •  a year ago
when your high point is rock bottom,
maybe its just best to live forgotten.

The Negativity of an Expectancy

by Caroline Prank

What do I do, when mediocre is my nom de plume?

I had to understand that it is who I am, because if I choose to believe anything better of me, I will surface from a sea of pleasantries, and drown beside a coastal town of let-down.

I am mediocre, and I had to grow to accept that.

If I go out and try to win, people around me will believe, and subsequently, convince me of being greater than I am.

People will tell you to be true to yourself,

but won't accept my acceptance as anything further than self-doubt.

Mediocre is written on my soul.

I see it in the mirror standing in my place, so hear me when I say you'll just have to start to see me my way.

Some people are born with their hearts

brighter than any fire, yet lasting thrice as long. All mine can do is ignite like a firework, amazing, yet disappointing in hindsight.

Even when I succeed, mediocracy still follows me,

like a shadow on the longest day of the year. Here is my greatest insight: Once I saw, who I am set to be, every failure was a guarantee, and every victory; a grand day.

And I can't breathe

from this podium you've put me on. Feel my pulse and tell me it's not wrong. You can almost hear the distant cries of a girl I've pulled aside, that you built!

A hope you planted, but left for me to pursue.

I can not do it anymore! I will never be satisfied with who I am. Even if I win every time, I will always see my impending failure, like a deer in headlights.

And you did this to me.

You set me up so high, I could only see what's left of my time.

And some people still have the audacity

to tell me I'm not right; that I have some ability beyond myself, and all I have to do is dig, and dig, and dig, and what? Someday, it'll just show up?

I'm so mediocre,

I can't even dream of the things you see in me.

And what if I'm left with nothing?

I turn over every passage, and every page, and search every line, and I find nothing.

The defeat, itself,

will fill every corner of what's left of myself. And all my digging would be for naught, and I would see that everything is exactly what I thought.

Let It Be.

I don't want, what you think of me. I want peace and tranquility, for every year, until my heart goes flat, and my thoughts are clear.

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marinoBronze Commahehe
a year agoReply
@carolineprancke it's something we always learn from!

a year agoReply
@marino Thank you!! I really appreciate your comment! but please, and this is going to sound so hypocritical, never let yourself think like this. I'm just a huge shit and do it, but yeah just try not to. It sucks a lot.

marinoBronze Commahehe
a year agoReply
i really like this structure! very very thoughtful. something i often think about

a year agoReply
@bernardtwindwil thank you so much for the comment! I was trying out a new structure for my poems, but I think it worked out pretty well. The topic is rather difficult for me to write about, because I wasn't sure how to not make it sound self-deprecating, so I tried to sound more angry than melancholy. I think it came out okay, ironically.

bernardtwindwilGold CommaGranddad & story teller,
a year agoReply
That was an eloquent poem. The melodic flow of the verses was mesmerizing. The message was one requiring courage and craftsmanship. You gave the reader some difficult subject to ponder. This was an excellent poem and thought​ provoking.