Throwback #7: Agrajag
Throwback #7: Agrajag randomness stories
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bruvton
bruvtonMężczyzna pije
Autoplay OFF  •  12 days ago
This is a long one. It's a rare occurrence in my writing: a fanfic. It was created as a project based on Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. I'd be amazed if anyone made it to the end!

Throwback #7: Agrajag

Hi. I'm Agrajag. I am an ordinary Dentrassi working on an ordinary Vogon ship. All I care about are two things: annoying the Vogons, and cooking. Our race are the best cooks/drink mixers.

And guess what I just did?

Well, you see, the Vogons despise hitchhikers, and when they went to destroy the planet Earth to build a hyperspace bypass, and some people didn't want to die,

and I let them hitch a ride with us. The Vogons found out that there was a hitchiker, and they're steaming exasperated. They are searching for the hitchhikers, and..

Oh, wait, they've been found. I think one of their names was Arthur Dent.

Woah, the Vogons are trying to find out who let them on! I can't let them know! The menacing Vogons are in my room right now, questioning everybody.

No! They know it was me! How do they know? How do they know it was me?

They're hauling me away! Goodbye world! No! Not the exit hatch! I'll only survive for forty-five seconds out there! Okay, these are my last words: Look for something positive each day. Even if

That was a rude interruption. Anyway, wow! The Netherworld! Is this where you go when you die? Apparently it is...

This is so cool! Wait, I get to live again! I get to take a new body and relive life as a different species! This is awesome! I wonder if I'll be able to remember anything...

Hi. I'm Agrajag. I am an ordinary rabbit in an ordinary hole. All I care about are two things: annoying people, and berries. Life is beautiful.

I am on an undeveloped planet, so there is no one here to kill me or eat me. Yesterday, I found a delicious raspberry bush. The raspberries tasted so sweet and exquisite.

Right now I am going to a blueberry bush. I am leaving a trail of turds so that I don't get lost.

Yum! These blueberries are just as good as the raspberries! And I won't get lost, like last time! This is perfect. Oh, someone moved into the cave right beside my hole. That's fun.

I'm going to sleep now. Oh, hey! Morning already! It almost felt like last night was only a couple seconds long! Well, anyway, it's a beautiful day, yet again.

Oh, the sun is nice and warm! I'll get out of my hole and enjoy the sun! Ahh, the nice sun, the nice clouds, the nice neighbor that's pointing a bow and arrow at my face...

Wait, my neighbor's pointing a bow and arrow at my face? How rude. He shot! I died! Wha... I see my body! He... He... He skinned me! I'm a bag now! How insulting!

Wow! The Netherworld! Is this where you go when you die? Apparently it is...

This is so cool! Wait, I get to live again! I get to take a new body and relive life as a different species! This is awesome! I wonder if I'll be able to remember anything...

Hi. I'm Agrajag. I am an ordinary house fly in an ordinary house. All I care about are two things: annoying the humans, and eating. I am so hungry right now.

I have just been flying around, bugging my human, dodging hands that are vigorously trying to swat me away. I think I am at Arthur Dent's house.

That's my human's name! He has guests for dinner today. No, he isn't eating his friends, like what I do as a fly, he is just eating dinner with some friends. I can't wait until they're done.

I am waiting enthusiastically to eat some of the appetizing meals calling my name. I could eat all of their food.

Heck, I could eat all of the humans if they wouldn't kill me first! Wait, they're done! Time to swoop in and eat some leftovers! Yum! These are delicious! Nom nom nom! Oh, no!

I've eaten too much food! I can barely fly! Woah, what is my human doing? Is that a fly swatter?

No! I promise we can live in harmony! I promise I won't annoy you as much! I'll pay you if you don't kill me! NO! Oh, good. I dodged it. That was an epic dodge.

I hope he doesn't try to swat me again. He won't? I think I'm sa

That was a rude interruption. Anyway, wow! The Netherworld! Is this where you go when you die? Apparently it is...

This is so cool! Wait, I get to live again! I get to take a new body and relive life as a different species! This is awesome! I wonder if I'll be able to remember anything...

Hi. I'm Agrajag. I am an ordinary cow in an ordinary farm. I hope I have a nice and long life... I keep on having this dream where I live an ordinary life, and someone randomly kills me.

It looks like the same person every time. In my mind, I call him Arthur Dent. The name sounds like it suits him.

Anyway, they took Bob to some weird factory-like building, and I am still awaiting his return. He was even escorted by eerily energetic entities. He'll be back.

Anyway, I've been continuing my life routine. Eat, sleep, eat, sleep, eat, sleep. And a crap load of pooping. Oh, hey! Some people! They look like the exact same people who took Bob! Oh..

, They're taking me to the factory... I bet Bob just thought that it was so fun that he didn't want to leave. That's why he stayed! It can't be a slaughter house! Wait, it's a slaughter house.

And that's a big axe. Ouch. Hey, I left my body! This is amazing! Woah, they just packaged parts of me and sent me to a store. I recognize that guy buying me! He..

He's the guy in my dreams! He got that part of me on purpose! That son of a

That was a rude interruption. Anyway, wow! The Netherworld! Is this where you go when you die? Apparently it is... This is very familiar...

Wait, I get to live again! I get to take a new body and relive life as a different species! Wait... That would explain my dreams! I'm not supposed to be able to remember anything...

Hi. I'm Agrajag. I am an ordinary bowl of petunias in an ordinary... Wait...

How did I get here? I'm in the sky! I don't remember growing from a seed! I don't remember being picked, and then put into a bowl! I feel like I'm moving... Down.

Hey, that is a fancy, sleek ship over there! I love how gracefully it glides. Who is that looking through that window? That face looks familiar. Awfully familiar. Keyword: awefully.

I know it, i've been continuously killed by the same person! Oh, that smug smile... That stupid face... That whale is falling with me. That's my cousin! Ohhhhhhh, splat. Ew.

Oh, crap! That's going to happen to m

Yes, it has been confirmed. I started living peacefully, but then Arthur Dent killed me.

I travelled through space and time, and lived yet again, just to be killed by the same person, Arthur Dent. He has killed me in every way possible. Coincidence? I think not.

Here in the Netherworld lies me, yet again. After all of these times getting killed by Arthur Dent, I will get revenge. Sweet, sweet revenge.

Hi. I'm Agrajag. I am an ordinary human in an ordinary earth. And all of my life I have been planning an ultimate revenge plot.

It is so elaborate, and it took so long, that it would take the most elite species years to execute. I have an ordinary job as an ordinary hitman. But there is one problem.

My job and my plot have destroyed my body. I am suffering from a heart disease. I don't know what it is called, but I do know that I need to lay low for a while.

Maybe go to a nice cricket match, drink a nice cold beer... Probably both. Ahhh, a nice cricket match.

What could possibly go wrong? My team is winning, I have a nice, cold, beer, and more importantly, no sign of Arthur Dent. I can live my umpteenth life in total peace and pacifism.

WOAH! Arthur Dent just appeared out of nowhere on a couch! What do I do? What is the most painful way that i can have him executed? Wow, the adrenaline! It's killing me! Literally!

Back in the Netherworld. I've been here thousands of times now. I have taken the form of almost every species in the known universe, and some in the unknown universe.

I only have two more chances to be alive. Then I'm gone forever. Finally. There is a weird contest for people who keep on getting killed by the same person over and over again.

There are two-thousand-seventy-nine of us over the quadrillions of people left in this purgatory.

The winner of this competition gets a free hate cathedral with a giant statue of their tormenter in the most offending way possible,

depicting some of the many ways the tormentor has massacred you. The cathedral has a self destruct button which will obliterate anyone inside it.

Along with that, they will get the tormentor for you. I triumphantly won the challenge, and now I'm going to get my ultimate revenge.

Hi. I'm Agrajag. I am an ordinary bat-like creature in an ordinary Hate Cathedral. And I finally have the abhorred Arthur Dent. This is amazing. He is so scared.

I showed him a hologram of him killing me, and he thought it was real! Okay, I'm still showing him holograms of him killing me, and he's still crapping his pants.

Oh, I just pointed him towards my Hate Cathedral with a neon sign... And he followed! Yes! As he walks, I'll explain how much I anathematize him. Wow.

This guy is retarded! He claims he didn't know he killed me one thousand times over! How can this be a coincidence just like what he claims it is?

This guy is crazy! He is stupid! He is idiotic! He is ludicrous! He is naive! He is nonsensical! He is every synonym for stupid there is! At least he is embarrassed by statue.

You should see his face.

While he's distracted, I'll annihilate him! Oh, crap! He tackled me down! I will fight! He will die! I will win! Wait, how does that work if there are still two paragraphs left?

No! He pressed the self destruct button! He's running away! Ow! My leg! I can't run! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Well, I am back in the netherlands. I have one chance left. One chance to win this evil battle! This is perfect! Well, actually, it isn't. I only have one chance. This is it. I will win.

Hi. I'm tired of the name Agrajag. My name is Stavro Mueller. I own a nightclub named Beta. Arthur Dent and his stupid friends came here for a party.

I am now going to get my triple-barrel shotgun/grenade launcher/Kill O Zap, and I will kill Arthur.

There he is, right in front of me… He dropped something. Wait! SOmeone fired at him and he accidentally ducked!

Why? Why did I have to be standing right behind him? SOMEONE KILL ARTHUR DENT! Oh, crap. I’ve been shot. Goodbye, world.

(if you read this slide, say "dude, nice" somewhere in a comment)

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