TITLE:Melancholic longing for your identity As I wake up And get out of bed I notice my mood is saudade That's how my days normally start and end

TITLE:Melancholic longing for your identity



As I wake up
And get out of bed
I notice my mood is saudade
That's how my days normally start and end mental illness stories
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bpd_confessions
bpd_confessions Community member
Autoplay OFF   •   4 months ago
Having a mental illness and losing grip on reality and not knowing your identity.

TITLE:Melancholic longing for your identity As I wake up And get out of bed I notice my mood is saudade That's how my days normally start and end

I step outside and feel the cool prevailing air on my face I close my eyes and I feel myself become enveloped from the comfort of the cool air

I open my eyes and see her Standing across the street She too looks comforted by the cool air My days also start and end with her and the lingering feeling of emptiness

As my incontrovertible and unrelenting mood changes from saudade to ambivalent I only have my paranoid thoughts to blame for my ever changing moods I need to breathe I step outside only to see her standing in front of me She no longer looks comforted like she did this morning She now looks sad and scared

I was reluctant to try and console her because Everytime I do she never speaks It's as if she's not really there I leave her alone and go back inside

The day is almost over and I always feel irritated and angry from the daily stresses I struggle to handle Finally I leave work to go home

As I pull into the driveway There she is again Sitting on the sidewalk in the spotlight from the street lamp Like a loyal dog awaiting my return

I decide to try and talk to her and go over to the sidewalk and sit down As I begin to speak it's almost as if I hear the echos of my own voice coming from her mouth She's never spoken an actual word to me but for some reason I feel as if she has

As we talk about the brief but very often times we see each other it's almost like all these years of seeing one another we've been looking at a mirror No..not at it Through it

The more I thought about it Everytime I recall seeing her she was either mimicking the mood I was in or in a complete opposite mood

As we were sitting on the sidewalk under the spotlight from the street lamp She spoke to me without saying any words

She's been the reflection of me she's my inner child That's why she appears when my uncontrollable moods change so rapidly and confuse me

I step out of the body I've lost control over Physically my body remains but mentally I step out of it and helplessly watch myself from across the street where she normally stands

But only she's nowhere to be seen She's just gone She has completely vanished

As I wake up and get out of bed I notice that my mood is saudade That's normally how my days start and end

I step outside expecting to see her but she's not there

The overwhelming feelings of confusion and emotional pain are strong but I realize she was never physically there she's the logical part of me when I lose control of my emotions and moods the logical inner child who is her would appear opposite of the out of control me

The inner child in me hasn't given up completely but needs to overcome this mental illness before it consumes us both

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