Standing at the fringe, I wonder what it was like
to know someone cared,
to remember what it was like to know people appreciated me
if they ever really did.
Who knows any more. I'm not sure I care.
Being so alone is almost a virtue in itself. At least, that's what I have to tell myself. I've grown to love the silence, a faceless captor I imagine cares.
The days begin to fade from when I longed for someone to be near me
to laugh, to meet somewhere, to share our darkest thoughts and still accept one another for it.
They're all gone. Every single one. My call history is only full of mother and sister. Which shouldn't bother me. And it doesn't most days. But they're fading too. I feel it. What went wrong?
I can't ask those that have gone away. I already know the answer.
It's because of me.
"No man's an island," so why do I embody a falling stone in the empty abyss?
Introverted to the extreme. Pushing everyone away. Can't get hurt again if no one's there to hurt you, yadda yadda. And now I'm here,
isolated in the vacuum. A non-existence where I only have myself to keep me sane,
to stop myself from careening off the highway bridge on my way home from work.
I always think, "Finally, maybe someone will notice. But I can't leave someone to clean up my mess and stick them with funeral costs."
The last laughable bastion. It's such a stupid reason to keep living, but it works. It always has.
Death doesn't fix anything. It only hurts the last two family members that care about me. They shouldn't.
I know better than anyone how cold and selfish and apathetic this faceless captor has made me.
Someone's crying? Whatever. It's just a temporary inconvenience. Someone's disappointed in me? Fine. They'll get over it. Someone says they like me? Uh-huh. They won't for long.
Just like the dead stone, I've learned too well that nothing lasts, negative or positive. Every moment is a passing wave. Inevitable to effect, inevitable to recede.
I don't care.
You're better leaving me alone. Only then, I won't have a reason to hope for more.
please stop making me hope