Definitions. pain stories

beccashannon I like to pour out my soul through words
Autoplay OFF   •   2 years ago
An ode to the pain that I have lived with for half my life.


Definitions are arguably specific to the person. You want examples? Alright then.

Numb. You say that it is a warning sign. A reason to go to the doctor, a reason to go to A & E, a reason to worry. To me, numb is a blessing.

It means I can’t feel the tension in my shoulders, the pain in my wrist, and the pain in my back, that I can’t feel the emotional pain on this anniversary.

Pain. To you it is a sign that something is wrong, that you should be seen by a professional, a sign that one part of your body is not working as it should be.

To me, it is a signal that I am still alive, for ten years pain means living, it is an associated feeling with survival through the toughest of times, it is being the drunkest and numbest I have been in a very, very long time and still being able to feel the pain and tension that is in parts of my body.

Drunk. A good time, having fun, being out, partying, with friends.

Right now, as of this moment that I am typing this, not as you are reading or hearing it, it means being a bottle of vodka in so that I cannot type most of the words you are reading or hearing but still able to feel the pain albeit a bit dulled.

This all only started a week ago. The pain, the numbness only reappeared seven days ago. But in the long run it has been ten years. Ten long, lonely years.

Only this year have I even an inkling of what a diagnosis for me might be. Ten fucking years for this.

Do you know that for pain to be considered chronic it only needs to last for three months? For the first three months when I was only twelve or thirteen, young enough to be told it was just growing pains, nothing to worry about.

Now I sit here, twenty-two years old, with a bandage on my wrist that I haven’t had to have in over a year and a pain I’ve never felt this bad in my life before,

even just last year when I wrote in an exam for a solid hour and a half, but now, well I am basically unable to use my wrist without some sort of pain killers or numbing agents, and then on top of that a bandage to keep it all together.

If I’m being perfectly honest with you then there is very little in life I can do without the bandage keeping it altogether.

The pain is a factor, it keeps my brain numb, sometimes keeps it from focusing on the pain at all and allows me to focus on the task at hand.

Because, if I’m being honest,

then it is on the fact that sometimes I only take the painkillers offered to me to keep me from being easily distracted by the numbing pain that is always present within me.

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