“Why don’t you try reaching out again?”
My mom says like it’s easy and like it hasn’t been on my mind every second that my eyes are open
Like it’s not what I’ve been dreaming about night after night and when I wake up I can’t even remember if in my dreams I’m happy because there are tears always on my pillow.
Mom, I reached my hand out when I was drowning instead of pretending I wasn’t and the person who has known me before, during and after the worst times in my life just sat there watching and listening to the water garble my words until I was completely submerged and I begged for a god damn life saver but she already walked away!
I don’t want to reach out I want to pull my heart out of my chest And wave it in the air as my white flag because I surrender I give up I just wanted her to swim out to me and meet me halfway. It didn’t matter to me if I left alone It only mattered to me if both of us tried!
A little bit later my mom tells me that I’m choosing to be depressed.
No mom! My problem is that I chose to be happy And my happy now lives inside people that left me in the rain without a god damn umbrella and now I’m sick
And you can’t fix this sickness with a warm bowl of soup or a hug but I would gladly accept either of those instead of you sitting there explaining to me how my depression is affecting you
because you don’t know what to say to me and there is nothing that you can say to me that I haven’t already said to myself so let’s just stop talking about how sad I look
Or when I finally get out of bed or that I should try reaching out again to hands that aren’t there so I can fall flat on my face and taste dirt again
Instead of ignoring me when I cry tell me that despite everything that is wrong with me that one day I’ll be better and that I’m not broken and that you love me god damn it you haven’t said that me in years
and it’s no wonder that I don’t know what to say when someone tells me they love me because the only time I heard that from you were on the days when I didn’t need to hear it and of course you don’t know what to say to me because your eyesight is no good
And you can sleep soundly and not hear me crying in the middle of the night from one room away and your mouth can’t remember the most important words of all.