I realize this is very similar to my Honesty Hour posts but this is more what's just on my mind not things I need to get off my chest.
So I cried in the shower and that's not a thing I normally do but when a song comes on that reminds you of your best friend (sorry used to be best friend) it brings the tears out of the lump I tried to swallow and failed.
I explained to my mom earlier at dinner that I'm going to get worse before I get better. There are going to be days, weeks (hopefully not continuous months) where I'm sad because I miss my friends and none of them care anymore.
but here I am crying in the shower while listening to a Panic at The Disco song because it was "our" that we would turn up and sing in your car...
Ugh let's move on because I feel like I'm going to cry again. I could be making a terrible decision withdrawing from my classes and taking a break for the rest of the semester but I don't know what else to do.
I can't concentrate on school because I'm too busy replaying almost twenty years of memories in my head and wondering what the hell I did wrong. I go back and forth between blaming myself for everything and putting all the blame elsewhere.
Most of the time though I've got the blame crushing my shoulders and just keeping me from doing anything. So you see how getting up, going to class, doing school work, taking the bus and not getting home till 5 every day isn't a thing I can handle right now.
Oh and there's the very real and glaring thought that just keeps pushing it's way into my mind, "Without those friends, who are you?"
I've gone through this before where I had a group of friends, something happened and I got pushed out of the group and even though it's for a different reason this time, I'm dealing with those feelings again.
Not getting closure really fucking sucked too like okay were not together, were not friends but I deserve something so I can just be like okay those are the reasons this happened, we've talked about it, have a nice life. But no, I get to sit here and think everything is my fault because without closure that's what I'm going to think.
I've got a pile and half of issues that I have to work through if I'm ever going to have relationship again or trust friends because right now I want to completely write everyone off. I feel the way I did before which is that I don't deserve friends because I'm so fucked up.
I know how that sounds but it's a thought that's constantly in my mind when I want to reach out to someone. Also my used to be best friends birthday is in a couple days and instead of worrying about my damn self I'm worrying about whether or not I should say Happy Birthday to her...
What?! Why am I thinking about this? It's the last thing I should be thinking about because she doesn't care. She couldn't open her mouth and tell me how she really felt so why should I say Happy Birthday to her? Just because we've known each other forever?
God even when people don't care about me, I still care about them. We've had bad weather this weeks and a few times I thought "I really hope so and so is okay today."
Sometimes I hate it but that's just the kind of person I am. Once I care about you, I will always care about you even though I try so damn hard not to. I just feel like my biggest fears came into existence this past month or so...
"No one will ever love someone like you."
"You weren't meant to have friends, you're better off alone."
"You will never be able to leave those memories behind and move forward."
You know I could've dealt with the first one and told my anxiety and depression to fuck off after some major crying but I was not ready to deal with all of them at once.
So I've got a lot of work to do and I really don't want to. I wish I could just be okay and let everything just roll off my shoulders the same way my tears roll down my cheeks but I can't.
I'm going to do a lot of writing a lot of reading (probably self help books) lots of therapy (possibly a psychologist) lots of crying ( as if I haven't done enough already) lots of laying in bed and being sad and thinking.
That doesn't sound like fun but I know it's necessary. I have to figure out who I am without this group of friends because I have no fucking clue.
I feel like my identity resided within the group and now that I'm not a part of it, I'm just so confused and sad all the time because I feel like all of my happiness was there. So now I'm like whoa... Was I ever happy by myself? Do I know how to happy by myself? Do I even like myself?
It's some heavy shit to deal with. I thought trying to figure out if I'm ready for a relationship or not was a hard thing to do but this is way more fucked up than that.
I think as far as that is concerned I can say no I'm not ready even though I thought I was which also makes me feel like shit cause I was so sure and I was getting so close but I don't know. Right now I'm thinking stupid shit like I'll never be ready and what not but I can recognize those as irrational thoughts and kinda push em to the back of my mind...for now.
I know it's not the right time to be involved with anyone because I had issues before and now I've got a lot more when it comes to relationships.
That's where the self help books are going to come in handy. Oh and therapy...lots of therapy. I mean how else am I supposed to deal with getting my heart broken twice? I wish I could pretend I don't have one but I'm not that good of an actress and I don't want to act like everything is okay.
This time is going to be used to deal with my shit, confront as many issues as I can and be happy with myself because right now I'm not and I need to forgive myself instead of getting mad at myself and blaming myself for every thing. It takes two people to make a friendship or a relationship and it takes two to ruin them.