It's been a little while since I've done one of these so I figured I would just write about things bouncing around in my head. The weather here has been kinda yucky and I've had a few bad days where all I did was lie in bed and think. Luckily it didn't last long and I'm feeling way better.
Just getting up was a struggle but now I'm finding it easier and even getting dressed up and putting on makeup is making me feel so much better about myself. I feel better when I do those things and even though wearing pajamas and dressing like a bum 24/7 is fine if that's your thing, for me it's not a good thing.
Also for a while I didn't want to look in a mirror or take pictures of myself and I'll be the first to admit, before all this crap happened I took several selfies everyday. Call me vain or a typical millennial, I really don't care. For a while I lost that feeling of "oh okay yeah I look cute today."
I have found that again. I'm going thrifting and getting pieces and making outfits and taking pictures and it feels so damn good to be excited about something. As shallow as that sounds I need that self love after months of nothing but hating myself and wanting to just not be here.
So is this a new and improved ME? I don't know but it is an improvement for me and that's good enough for me right now. So I'm feeling good about the way I look and feel most of the time. But I'm not all better.
I know I will never be all better. It's not possible but I feel like I'm learning so much about myself and putting my happiness into things and people who actually matter. I did have a moment the other day when I was at this festival with my mom and her friend.
I was walking around by myself looking at groups of teenagers with their friends and noticing some "mean girl" type of girls and just on instinct I turned to look at my best friend (who is not there) and say something about kids these days. It was a very surreal and real moment where I remembered I don't have that person in my life anymore.
It didn't ruin my day, I still had a nice time but I still get those little reminders everyday. And Renn Faire season is coming up soon which is something my best friend and I used to go to multiple times during the season. I want to go but I'm not sure I want to go without her or risk going and seeing her there. So that's on my mind a bit too.
Finally after countless emails, I am signed up to go back to college. I'm excited...ish. No, no I am excited but I'm also really really nervous. I've got 4 classes, going everyday of the week and I just hope I can do it. I know I can do it but I also worry about well everything lol.
I hate that I left in the middle of the semester cause god damn I was so close. I just needed to hold my shit together for two more months and.... NO! Not going to do that. Not going to blame myself and be mad at myself for being fucking human! What I did was human and probably the best thing I've done for myself in a while.
It wasn't easy to leave when literally everyone was just telling me to get over it or some way or another. I tried to get over it, the next damn day I tried to "act normal" Then I tried to fix it and that blew up in my face
So then I drowned in it
Then I tried to ignore it
Then I started facing it
and now I'm moving past it...sorta I mean it depends on the day.
The point is I don't feel bad about myself anymore. I don't have many negative feelings about it anymore. I'm just like okay that happened, I handled it the best way I could at the time and now I've got to deal with all these broken pieces and put myself back together without the person who used to pull me out of my funk.
I gotta think about it sometimes. Write it about it a lot but not let it stop me. I feel how I feel and I will not apologize for it. I will not feel bad about having bad days or having moments when I feel like nothing has changed because I am a human and I feel things.
I feel lonely a lot of the time so I just turn that into poems and stories but GOD do I miss having friends to hang out with. I just want to go on a walk with someone and talk about anything and everything. Or to the movies or to the mall or just anywhere.
I don't want to push people away anymore. I want them back in my life but I feel like no one really needs me in their life. Annnnnnnd this is where things are going to take a turn. I mean what do I bring to my friends lives? Nothing for the past several months because I turned into a hermit and hissed at people. Not really but you get the point.
The first week or so of classes I'm going to be soooo tired physically and emotionally. So quiet and awkward. I mean shit I will probably speak to three people if that and none of my teachers are going to remember my name because I never talk. Or...I could try and maybe make some new friends hhahahahahaha
Okay but seriously why should I make friends? I feel like I offer nothing to them and that's where my mind is at right now. My friends left because I wasn't worth it and I offered them nothing. I'm going to end this before I start thinking too much. I'll save the rest for therapy tomorrow.