It's true, I am dating again ...myself That sounds weird I know but just let me explain.
Being a part of a group is great. It feels wonderful to be a part of something and I miss that feeling so much that just thinking about it is gonna make me sad. So I'm not going to think about it ...or at least I'm going to TRY not to think about it.
The problem with being a part of a group and that group including my ex is when that group is gone or not there anymore I fall apart.
Friends are supposed to be there for you when you're going through shit, not make it worse. And unfortunately that's what happened so I'm without a group.
I am my group. I talk to myself when I'm sad. When I decide to leave the house it's just me and these god damn memories and thoughts and sometimes it's so hard to just exist, but I'm trying.
I guess what I'm realizing is that without a relationship or friends, I'm not happy on my own and that's something I haven't had to deal with in a very long time and I remember now how unhappy I was by myself.
Which is throwing me for a loop because I thought I was happy for most part but without my friends my reasons to be happy are almost non existent. That sounds really sad and it is and realizing that at 26 years old is throwing me for a loop.
To be honest I'm not interested in a relationship with anyone for a long time but not having friends to do stupid shit with like go to the mall or go walk around Walmart at 2 in the morning, hurts. The pain of losing that is a million and one times worse than a relationship that quite frankly was doomed to begin with.
So I'm dating myself. I'm being all self aware and making plans with just me. I'm planning a birthday trip with my mom and I'm actually excited about it. I'm sure once it gets closer I'll get depressed cause boo hoo no one to hang out with but right now I'm looking forward to. I'm not going to be here (hopefully) for my birthday and that's good enough for me.
So since I'm being all self aware I've realized some things about myself. My happiness has depended on people needing me in their life and that's not healthy. I was happy as long as people needed me and as soon as they didn't it short wired my brain and made me think well now I can die cause so and so doesn't need me anymore.
It's an irrational thought but it's a pattern that I haven't been able to break, until now. So I'm just trying to figure out how to be happy and so far it's just little things.
-Going out of the house for a walk.
-Opening my window during the day
-Watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer and mouthing every word
-Not staying in my room all day cause there's a ton of memories just waiting punch me in the gut
-Writing whatever I feel like
-Reading some "girl power I'm a woman hear me roar" poetry (and writing some)
-Forcing myself out of bed before 12
So yeah it's little things at a time because pushing myself too far like I did the other day when I went out and got very overwhelmed and tired and then sick, is not going to help. Although it did show me what I have to work on but now I know that going out and being out all day like I used to isn't going to be easy for me anymore.
That's why I said I'm "dating myself" because the last time this happened I just fell apart and didn't bother to really talk about anything. I just stayed depressed for 2 and a half years and I really don't want to do that again.
The last time I hung out with my friend he kinda said to me that the reason I was so upset and couldn't get over everything is because I'm still hoping my friend will reach out in few months and idk something could bring us back together. Of course I'm still hoping for that.
I don't give up easy on people, especially ones that mean a lot to me but right now it's not going to happen and it may never happen but can't say I didn't try.
Also I'm on Plenty of Fish again...not for dating just for talking to someone because I'm human and I like talking to people and telling them about my very boring day.
It's nice to be wanted in any capacity.