I went almost a whole week without crying. I can be honest with you guys because you've never judged me and you don't know me in real life. It's about midnight right now and it used to be my favorite time of the night. I'm very much a night owl and I had a good reason to stay awake but now I don't but I can't sleep.
Around this time, just about every night, I get a stomach ache or a headache or some kind of pain but it doesn't hurt as bad as the one in my chest right now. When I first started experiencing anxiety and panic attacks, it was at night. But the nightly ones became fewer and fewer. So now they're back? And I don't know why...
well I mean I know why but it's not just a normal panic attack. I don't have anyone to reach out to because I fucked that up and I tried reaching out to a friend of mine who knows how to make me feel better but she never said anything back to me.
I have another friend I can reach out to but I've already unloaded all of my crap onto him and it's all the same crap so I really don't want to bother him. I've got a midterm tomorrow. A paper and business plan due Friday and I can't concentrate on any of it. I was okay during the day today.
I got some stuff done but then I just hit a wall and now I'm crying again. Tears wasted on people who don't care about me... sorry that's my depression and anxiety talking but maybe they're right.
She hopes I'm okay by the time we all get together...nahhh you hope I forgot about what happened. You want me to sweep it under the rug and just be like okay I'm done overreacting now! Everything I eat is making my stomach sick because of my nerves and I have hives on my arms.
My friend asked me about what I'm going to say when/if I do finally talk to you, ya know like we should have... anyway that spurred an entire poem/conversation so of course I had to write it down even though I didn't want to because I'm tired of writing and pouring my heart out. In a day or two I'm filled again with whatever emotion.
I have an entire week off next week and I'm not looking forward to it. I told my cousin I want to hang out with her but now...I just want to stay in my room. If I see my Aunt she's going to ask questions and she doesn't understand how I am. No one does...shit I don't even get myself.
I've spent 26 years in this body and half the time I want to grab myself by the shoulders and shake myself and scream, "WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS!" Sorry but I'm just being honest. I was really hoping all of this shit would hit me after the week is over but that would be too convenient. I had one good day this week...
well half of Wednesday was okay but it's like as soon as I see that it's about 11:30 on my clock my brain goes "Okay time to be sad again, hope you enjoyed that while it lasted. By the way, have fun sleeping tonight." Idk what to do. Maybe I should just pretend it never happened, apologize so I can have my friends back.
I have done that so many times in the past with a different friend group and it worked for a while. It was so fucking hard to leave that situation. I wanted to just pretend everything was okay but it was really hard to do when I had to be in a room with the guy who assaulted me just to spend time with my used to be best friend.
But I did it for a long fucking time. This isn't like that. My friend group now is nowhere near as toxic as that one was but I keep comparing them in my head. I keep remembering how hard it was for me to to trust people after that or have friends or be around people in general.
I didn't have anything else to focus on because I wasn't in school at the time which was a good thing but also a really really bad thing because that's all I focused on. That was hell and it went on for months, maybe a year before I felt comfortable being friends with people again. God I wish I could have had my therapy session today. Stupid snow storm...
My point is, I don't want to go through that again. I can already feel myself starting to pull away from my other friends because I think to myself, "What's the point in making friends when they just hurt you and leave?"
When normal girls go through breakups they want to call their best friend or have them come over so the two of you can bitch and eat junk food. But my best friend and I don't do that. Not only that but she hurt me too like two days after the breakup.
That's why I reached out to my other friend because she is that type of person and I know she's super busy but damn I could really use one of her long talks on the phone where we cry, laugh and bitch to each other. I didn't get that from someone who really knows me the way she does. She actually gives me advice rather than just telling me "Oh that sucks or Good Luck with that."
And now it's 1 o'clock in the morning and I'm laying here thinking about all the shit I didn't do tonight. I'm wondering if I should just break the silence or see how long it takes for them to care. I may here a while if I do that. You know that saying like I push people away to see who will put in the effort to stay...
yeah I just push people away and expect them to stay away cause that's literally been my life up until now.
So this has gone on long enough maybe I'll go write something or study the pointless flashcards I made because none of it is what I was supposed to be freaking studying... ughhh I hate this class. The teacher has no idea what to put on this midterm. Whatever...