“Well done. You’ve done it again. You won the trophy. You’ve made yourself feel pain.”
The first emotion you’ve felt this year. “Well done me. They will be proud. They will be happy.” Won’t they?
I’m telling myself lies to try and cover the scars of previous attempts to feel. They are not proud. No.
They are beside themselves with sadness and worry to what I will try next time. I have done this to them, haven’t I?
I have made them stoop to sadness. I have put them through sleepless nights. I have caused them immeasurable pain.
Yet I’m the one who goes through everyday, questioning why I’m still here.
“Yes! Well done me! I have done all of this.” I have put people through hell while going through it myself.
“I have won! I have hit the jackpot!” I do this a lot.
Remember what you do when you tell those who love you? Their eyes that were once dry; cry. They pity, they tiptoe around you. Rightfully so.
I tell myself lies. I let myself. “No more! It’s time to stop.” But remember the consequences.
I’m a monster. A beast. I should not be allowed to feast... On my sadness and unhappiness. “I have been a bad person.”
“Why am I still allowed on this earth? After all I have done, I should be shunned.” I don’t deserve this. Not a single thing.
“What have I done?! What mess have I caused?” My heart is covered in frost. I have created chaos over ‘my lost cause’. No one can save me. I have lost my place.
So goodbye to you all. I will see you soon. Father Time will one day come for you too.
Hopefully you’ll have had a good life. I only wish you the best. I think you can guess... Where I have gone. “Goodbye everyone, so long!”
I still live amongst you, in your hearts. One day you’ll meet me again, Up in the stars.