Sleep illudes me as I lie here in bed at war with my thoughts. It becomes clearer and clearer that I, nor anyone else for that matter, truly understands what life is about.
I struggle daily to figure out why we do what we do. Why do we hate? Why do we love? What is love? These questions haunt me like bad dreams, and I fear they are eating at my sanity.
I clutch at my head trying to make sense of it all, but it is all in vain. I keep thinking I'm approaching some grand realization. It flickers in front of my minds eye, always out of reach.
I'm beginning to think it's just an illusion. I'm beginning to think there is no meaning.
It was once said that the only fair thing in this world is randomness. I see this as truth now.
Was I destined to live this life? Or was it simply a coincidence? Thoughts like these bombard me constantly.
Is the world deterministic or is my will truly free? The great mysteries of life remain veiled in shadow, and I slip closer to the darkness as I chase the answers.
The worst part is that I live a double life. One half of me has fun playing games and cracking jokes. Another half of me goes insane trying to understand the things around me.
Is it depression? I don't know. Is it some sort of mental instability? Does anything I do truly matter.
Since our youth, we've been taught that man evolved from single-celled organisms; and that one day, Mankind will cease to exist.
If this is true, Then why bother with anything? What difference will my actions make?
We all perceive a different existence, and the only thing we all have in common is that we have nothing in common. Why do my thoughts always come back to this origin point.
There is no point to it all. I don't want to feel this way, but logic accepts nothing less. The world only exists as my mind perceives it. Thus it is true that the world ends with me.
So what does it matter if it happens now or later. I've contemplated suicide before, but that in itself is also pointless. It would achieve nothing.
The only hope I have is for something or someone to convince me otherwise. Until that day, I will simply observe patiently, living through the unrest, waiting for life to explain itself.