my family and i got into a heated argument abt racism and my parents and little sister were ganging up on me so i started hyperventilating and at one point i blamed my sister for making
me lose my composer so she started hyperventilating too. my dad started calling me a snowflake and saying that there are no safe spaces in this household and that i belong to them.
he told me he wanted to grab me by my neck and choke me. my mom ended up grabbing my throat and screamed at me and i grabbed her hand that was around my neck.
thats the first time ive ever grabbed her and i never realized how bony her wrists are and how weak her arms are, and yet i couldnt move her away from my throat.
im still hyperventilating (like im literally fucking crying right now) and i feel nauseated and light headed.
its my own fault, i shouldnt have kept the conversation going, and i shouldnt have started hyperventilating in the first place.
if i had controlled my anxiety and composure then maybe none of this would have happened.
im a fucking idiot for bringing my sister into this, she might have been ganging up on me with my parents but honestly, what can you expect.
i cant blame her for that especially knowing that my parents have been more successful in manipulating and grooming her into being just like them than they were with me (which is why i
think they resent me so much and compare me to her. and god does that feel like shit considering she’s 4 years younger than me and yet she’s seen as the superior one).
i wish i didnt grab my mom’s arm because maybe if i didnt, she wouldnt have gripped onto my neck even harder and maybe she wouldnt have screamed so loud and so in my face
idk maybe if i wasnt such a fucking ingrateful child i wouldnt be arguing with my parents all the time. i wish i was just like..
idk, submissive? it would cause a lot less problems and i’d be a lot happier. im too tired to even see how im right in this situation.
im just tired and im wrong and every interaction with my parents just reminds me of how much they resent me and wish i was more like my sister.
and i, being the older silbling, have fucked up completely by not protecting her and not standing up for her and instead making her feel like absolute shit for something i started.
im a failure as a child and as a sibling and i dont think i can ever forgive myself for that