All this other shit and my head is still stuck on the same subject, I don’t like this.
It drives me nuts its not fair, seriously I could see how all of this would happen if I was around the subject all the time but legit I am not.
I don’t see or understand how it is physically possible to have this kind of reaction when you are not even around the subject and trying 100% of the time to get the topic off your mind in
the first place? I think this is just my body working against me. I need a scientific explanation for this cause its stupid.
Makes me feel stupid and wish almost that I didn’t do this in the first place?
Not that I regret it cause so far it is a positive thing for sure, but its consuming me a bit without even having to do much and that’s what makes it crazy.
I honestly need to get out of here, run away so I can be distracted and not have to deal with this?
But then I’m sure I would regret that choice cause this “subject” has grown to be something I enjoy having around.
I think the reason I’m going so stir crazy is cause I am not sure if it is mutual, does the subject enjoy my company as much as I do they? Do they appreciate my personality as I do?
Can I trust them to hold true to my wishes, would they even care to hold true to my wishes?
By wishes I mean when I spoke of “a solid friendship that will last” and “When I say I want to be friends I mean forever like I see potential in that person I don’t want to bullshit and
be acquaintances”. Legit naming this UGH is 100% how I feel.
I hate making friends and I hate wanting to be friends with people or even craving to have them in my life it hurts my brain,
yet its sooooo addictive ESPECIALLY when you find a good person that you get along with. It’s like a drug, but a good one that is good for your well being and matches just to you.
So you crave to have it again and want to experience it even more than you did the first time. What a dangerous mind game i have gotten myself into.
It’s funny, cause when I first stepped into this I thought “This will impact me in no way, I’m simply trying to be social” then I got hit hard right where I least expected,
right in my weak spot and it broke a hole in my wall that is always up.
Now I have no idea how to repair it but I keep finding the urge to peak through the hole, every time i do I get scared and hide,
and just when I think it everything is back to normal a light shines through and slowly gives me the curiosity to peak through again. To crave and to wonder what its like without my walls up.