Last night my husband, "Dan" and I celebrated New Year's Eve with his family. We were both drinking, and just having a good time.
After counting down the new year, we went inside and his mom told us just to sleep in his sister's room.
The alcohol intensified both of our libidos, so we started making out. Things began to escalate, and Dan said, "Hey, let's do butt stuff." So, in my drunken state, I replied, "Why the fuck not.
He started trying to put it in, but between being intoxicated and it being too dry, it just wasn't going to happen. Dan started looking around his sister's room for some lotion and found two bottles.
There was a tube of lotion and a squirt bottle, so he went with the squirt bottle out of convenience.
He put the lotion on his dick, and slowly started to put it in. I was drunk to the point that it didn't hurt too badly, and it was going in fairly easily.
Around a minute later, the lotion started getting really cold to the point it burned. I yelled at him to stop, and he pulled out. We both started writhing in pain.
Turns out, he used fucking **menthol** lotion. My vagina and ass burned like a bitch, and he ended up burning his penis and penis hole.
On the bright side, the next morning I was putting the tubes of lotion back in place, and low and behold, the tube of "lotion" was actually acrylic paint. So I guess it could've been worse.
TL;DR:Got drunk, got fucked in the ass, and now my shit is minty fresh.
ETA: To the ones who found this fuck up as hilarious as I now do, thank you.
To the ones calling me a whore/skank/tramp for trying something with my husband, I hope you spend your year being fucked in the ass by a menthol based paint.