it’s 6 am, and i’m waking up for school. the first thing i do is check my phone for messages from you.
i can’t help myself, i think about you while i’m brushing my teeth, washing my face, putting on my clothes, eating my breakfast, rushing out of the door, and the entire way there.
it’s 10:30 am, and i’m stuck in history.
i can’t help myself, i search for your name in a textbook, i find myself staring at your younger sister,
i daydream about that one night with the bonfire and the lingering kisses and the whispered i love you’s, i feel myself transported to another day, one in the winter,
where we laugh and laugh and forget everything.
it’s 12 pm and i’m eating lunch at my regular table.
i can’t help but glance to my right every time someone says something funny, thinking you’ll be there, to smile at me and squeeze my hand,
i feel my eyes searching the lunchroom for your familiar hair flip and smug looking smirk, my ears are feeling for your laugh, now saved for someone else, someone who isn’t me.
it’s 3:30 pm and i’m heading over to sports.
i’m wishing for you to be there, to walk with me to the gym, as we did everyday for 2 years,
but now you’re 200 feet ahead of me and i can’t help but lag right behind you and wish you’ll turn your head, maybe just once,
so i can let myself believe everything is the same and that night never happened.
it’s 7 pm and i’m eating dinner with my family.
all i can think of are those nights you came over and how my mom lit up and how my dad clapped your shoulder, like you were his best friend,
and how i sat there waiting for you to turn your head and we would exchange a small smile of knowing,
and how you would eat everything my mom set in front of you and how you would eat my green beans when my father wasn’t looking,
because you were the only one who ever knew that i didn’t like them, and i wrench myself out of these memories as my parents gently call my name and exchange sad head shakes.
it’s 10:30 pm and i am struggling through chem homework.
i can’t forget our study dates and how smart you were and how you never teased me just patiently worked through a problem with me and kissed me every time i got one right all on my own and
how the day after finals were over you blindfolded me and stuck me in your pickup and you took me to the place you went every summer when you were young and we didn’t talk just squeezed
each other’s hands and grew so close there was no border where i ended and you began.
it’s 2 am and i’m wrapped up in my sheets trying to sleep. every time i start to drift away reality pulls me back.