You loved to hide. I always saw you hiding behind my parents' glistening eyes as they watched me play. After all, as long as I kept behaving, Happy would never leave. I knew you would always stay.
I was addicted to you. Sometimes, I caught you hiding behind my friends' laughs. From there on, in order to see you every day, I kept telling jokes in class.
I'd watch comedy shows with my family. You loved watching comedy. You were always there when we laughed hysterically.
You became my best friend. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I'd see you hiding behind my smile. I loved seeing you in the mirror.
I found my own ways to have you with me. I stayed healthy eating all my dinner, I stayed smart making sure I was always the winner, and I saw you even more. I loved you even more.
I was so addicted, I began being spoiled. If I didin't see happy every day, Every hour, Every minute, Every second, The blood in my veins boiled.
I wanted more friends, I wanted more smiles, I'd do anything to see happy again.
So I switched schools. It was all part of the plan, Be the smartest, be the most loved, be wise like an old man.
I made a mistake. I didin't realize it was this tough. I looked for you everywhere. Where were you?
Instead, I found something similar hiding behind people's eyes. No, it wasn't you, it couldn't be. It was so many other things: hatred, aggony, cruelty.
People smiled, but you weren't hiding behind their smiles. It was as if the smiles were all fake. How could they do this? How could they take advantage of your power like that? Little did I know that I'd be addicted to fake.
I had to put a smile when people asked me if I was fine. I couldn't bring myself to tell that that I wasn't fine. How could I tell them that my life was ruined ever since you left without ever saying goodbye? That I had always looked for you. That I wasnted you back instead of smiling when all I wanted to do was...
When all I wanted to do was cry?
I looked for you everywhere. I searched for you in my games, my books, and even my eyes. I never saw you in the mirror.
Instead, I saw Depression. I was never addicted to Depression. No, Depression held me hostage while I heard people tell me that I was addicted to it. But dont worry, Happy, I was never addicted to it, it only held me hostage because it knew my weakness: missing you.
A few years later, I went back to my old school. I knew I had to find you. I wanted to leave all the past behind and, just, meet you again.
Then, I saw you hiding behind the smiles of my past friends. I couldn't believe you were there, glinting in their eyes.
I realized how lucky I was to have you with me. To this day, I feel like it is too good to be true. It is weird trying to get to know you again, Happy. I'm trying.
But the weird thing is, you're not hiding anymore. I see you everywhere. I've lost you for so long that I've memorized every distinct feature of you. Maybe you never hid,
Maybe I just never understood the truth.
Yours truly, A 12-year old girl, my past self.
Lets just hope I never lose you again...