Anguish is the realization that all which could have been will never be. It’s the knowledge that you’ve already experienced the happiest day of your life, and it’s all downhill from here.
Anguish is the sudden understanding that the pain you’re experiencing now is only the tip of the iceberg, and that as you lay in bed trying to sleep for most of the nights ahead of you,
you’re going to be thinking about this moment. The moment when you realized that the summer of your life has passed.
As the wind rushes past my face and blows my hair behind my head, I feel anguish. I tried so hard to do the things I wanted, but my efforts turned to dust before me.
Can I blame anyone but myself? Of course not. Ultimately, I was in the wheelhouse the entire time. There is no one else to blame for my mistakes but myself.
At times, we have no choice but to reflect on the decisions we’ve made. We’re told from a young age that we’re our own worst critics, and that we shouldn’t be too hard on ourselves.
But at a certain point, there’s nothing left to do but look into the mirror.
Can you really say that you’re not to blame when your twenties are behind you, and you’ve yet to really begin in life? Can you say that it’s not your fault?
Sure you can, but life has a funny way of not giving a shit about our excuses.
My eyes water from the force of it. I stare ahead of me and think back on what I’ve really accomplished. Not much, I suppose. I’ve built an empire of pain, and not much else.
I’ve caused those I love to turn away from me in revulsion. Anguish is also the knowledge that you’ve used your last chance with someone who used to love you.
That nothing you say or do can fix what has already come to pass.
Anguish is an interesting word. It’s defined as a more advanced form of suffering than simple pain, and it’s one of those things that you really don’t understand until you experience it.
Like that teenager who sits in his or her room and cries while listening to a particularly emotional song,
saying FUCK THE WORLD in their mind because someone told them they’d understand when they’re older, it’s one of those things you can only possibly learn through experience.
The anguish I feel now must be nothing in comparison to that which I’ve caused. Everyone I know has left me. I have nothing, and no one.
There’s really only one thing left for me to do, and I’ve done it now. Ahead of me, I see the grey rushing up toward me. Beyond it is black, and an end to the anguish.