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I don’t have anything of substance to say today, but I did want to get some words down. When I’m doing these challenges, I always try to
By belovedexile http://belovedexile.tumbl...

[3/30]

by belovedexile

I don’t have anything of substance to say today, but I did

want to get some words down. When I’m doing these challenges, I always try to

be hyper-perceptive. I want to be awake enough to the world around me that I’m

able to derive some grand inspiration that will frame my writing later. I didn’t

find that today, but it was a good day anyway. A simple day—soft and pleasant

and without any fear, or sadness, or inconvenience. I slept late. Well, late

for me. 8:00. The sun was out, my bed was warm, and I didn’t have nightmares. I

wore leggings and a sweatshirt and no makeup to Starbucks. I drank a latte. I

read a book. I went to my friend’s apartment in the afternoon and we studied

for most of the day with tea and candles and heated blankets. We quizzed each

other on therapeutic modalities while we cut potatoes for homemade french fries.

She made us lentil soup too, which tastes like safety & home; my mom used

to make it all the time. It was a good day—a normal day. A day I imagine people

have all the time and take for granted… but for me, it made me feel real. Every

moment of contentment is to be cherished.The past few days have been good, in fact. Ever since

Wednesday afternoon, I’ve been ok. The week before that, I was a mess. I

flipped through my book “The Tao of Bipolar” again this morning. I needed a

refresher on non-attachment to emotional states. It’s the hardest

thing for me truly. When you spend a lot of time being depressed, it’s really

easy to grasp tightly onto the good. But the good is fleeting, just as the bad

is. Everything is fleeting, but everything feels real, and as someone who rapid

cycles, it’s hard to make sense of it all. Every time I feel good, I mistake it

for healing and enlightenment. I assume I’m cured and the bad days will never

come back. When they do, I mistake it for relapse. Every good moment feels like

a myth and everything gets dark again. I can never remember that both poles

exist. Bipolar. That’s its name for a reason.I’m working so hard on this non-attachment thing. I’m just

trying to ride out the days and let them be what they are. I’m trying not to

categorize them into depressive episodes or hypomania or mixed states, but

rather just feel and live and be. It’s easy to say all these things when I feel

ok. I didn’t have quite as enlightened of a perspective last week when I couldn’t

stop shaking and crying and wishing I could just go away for a little while.

But today, things feel level, and I’m trying to apply some wisdom before I

spiral again.It’s 8 pm now and I’m in bed. I just ate some chocolate and

I’m going to watch something on Netflix and sleep early because I have a long

week ahead. But today was good. And I think it was good just by virtue of what

it was—not because I’m in any altered state. I’m tired, but in a good way. In

the way I imagine people feel when they’ve lived in the world all day.

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