lilac

by amanda lee

hello. it's been a while.

i like this website. i can post stuff and none of you know who i am in real life so you understand my predicaments all the more easily.

and surprisingly i've gained quite the following.

it's a pleasant surprise. it makes me smile and makes me want to write.

so here's a color of my feelings - an update, of sorts.

it's not for anybody in particular. maybe just for me to say something.

a while ago, i wrote about a boyfriend.

that's not happening anymore. he was flaky. i was inexperienced. i pretend it doesn't sting. but it does.

i miss my friends who are far away.

i miss the one in Seattle, who i haven't kept in touch with. i miss the one in Denmark and the others who are scattered across the country.

i feel lonely even though i'm surrounded by people.

small things make me more self conscious and worried and stressed.

i'm not very good at math or science and my grades kill me.

i hate the stress of school and the values that my education system is trying to enforce on me seemed twisted and wrong.

i miss summer. i miss freedom.

maybe i just long for what comes after school.

i want so many things, but i have so little time.

there are so many good stories in the world to read - i only have the night to do it.

i think lately, i've been feeling like lilac.

i feel like i'm constantly shifting from royal purple to deep darkened magenta. lilac is a good median. it's soft and tired.

i want to be rose pink. light and free.

but some things in my life are forcing me to just be a shade off - and the thought of it makes me frustrated beyond belief.