It's a typical Tuesday morning, 6:47 AM, birds chirping, to my right side is the love of my life, today feels great.
We hop out of bed to head downstairs for some breakfast and all I can think about is how lucky I am to have this girl in my life.
It pains me to know what I've done to her behind the scenes that she has yet to know.
As the toaster pops and the sausage sizzles, all that's on my mind is how do I tell her, I can't lose her, I'm scared.
She comes out of the shower and grabs me playfully happy to see I surprised her with some food before work.
She proceeds to talk to me about our memories, such as on July 31st of 2019 we visited the local beach and watched the sun fall for the first time together.
That day also added a new gift to our lives, I glanced over at the top of the sand dunes and vaguely seen a single yellow flower. All that's running in my head is " she would love this.
" I have her follow me and I make sure to make it there before her so she can be surprised and welcomed with what has become more than a flower.
It has become a symbol of our relationship, a relationship I never would have thought would come to an end, a relationship I never thought I'd be at fault for the destruction of.
She sees the gleaming yellow of the plant and falls in love, falls in love faster than I did for her.
I position her beside a broken gate and prop this flower into her hair to really let her beauty glow.
I take a picture, a picture which leads to stand for my love essentially.
Enough of the memories before I get too ahead of myself, all she wants from me is to speak on my feelings because she can see me feeling down lately.
I want to tell her, and you have no idea but how do you tell a woman you are about to marry that you kissed another girl.
Not even just any girl but the girl who broke you into pieces and fucked you up.
She then asks me what's going on and I cannot even begin to let the words out , each and every time I brought my self to do it , the way she looked at me made it impossible.
The way her blue eyes sparkled in the sunlight peeking through the blinds, as her smooth angelic voice swept through my ears like music. I can't bear to hurt her; she is my all.
She begins to pester me into telling her, growing to be more upset second after second with me for my silence.
I think to myself "I'm so sorry for I have wronged you" but the words were imprisoned behind my lying lips. All I could let out was " I'm okay, I promise.
" knowing that a promise was more sacred to her than anything else.
Now, as I lay next to you to sleep my love all I can feel is the pain and agony I reign down upon myself. This hurt I feel will never compare to the pain you would feel if you knew.
I can imagine now, your heart sinking into your chest deeper than any abyss, your blood raging with anger and distrust.
I am in disbelief of what I've done to you my love, especially after all we've been through together.
When I was down you have always been the one to take my hand and lift me up, no matter the cost.
Today has been a good day mostly, despite the lies I'm weighing on my self-thinking I'm protecting you.
I pray for the day I man up and tell you; tell you it all, no matter the hurt it brings you, no matter the hatred you grow.
Even with the hurt pulling you down as if cinder blocks were holding you below sea, I know honesty can assure a better tomorrow.
We begin the drive to work, you're bobbing your head to the music, the music that one day made us closer, the music that holds all our memories when we become forgetful.
The smile on your face is ever so beautiful, the soft morning sunlight creeping from the sunroof causing your eyes to spark a bright blue as if I were in front of an ocean.
My mind drifting away at every word that leaves your lips.
As I reach to hold your hand to get what I have yet to find out will be the last time I ever get the chance to feel, you grasp it tightly , ensuring me of safety and a promise of forever.
I hide that I am upset; it's not the right timing I feel, I feel such relief that you didn't notice.
I'm still so scared, I know I have wronged you my love but the pain that I have caving into my chest still could never compare to what you feel later this night.
We arrive at your work, give our kisses and say our goodbyes, still unknowing that this will be my last kiss and a goodbye that will not only last 8 hours but forever.
I am now home, I'm crying now.
I say to myself "why her, why must she be the one I bring this pain down upon; and for what?
a girl who has used me and left me out to dry more times than you can count on your two smooth and welcoming hands.
" I wish there was a way I could reverse the time and fix what I have done so there wouldn't have to be a time for you to have learned this,
learned that the only human you trusted with your heart opened it up and stomped on it until it was drained of life.
You could never forgive me after you find out my love, you would be a fool to.
Day after day I grow more and more hatred for myself for what I have done to you, for how I have wronged my one and only true love.
It is now 5:22 PM, you're halfway through your shift and all I can picture is the great smile as you see me arrive.
That smile that I first met in June 2017, that smile that makes me unable to contain myself, that smile that I hoped to see on the other end of a wedding band as I kiss your hand off to work.
Time is racing, but not as fast as my heart when you told me you know my secret.
On your end you know you're just playing a joke on me; however, my heart is racing at a million miles an hour and I'm on the bedroom floor in panic mode.
All I can do is play dumb and pretend I don't know, thanking god it was only a joke.
It pained me to not say it right then and there, you deserve the world at your finger tips and baby,
once upon a time I was the one to give you that but now; I'm the reason you'll be scared to feel it again.