Okay, so how i cope with my brain is i think of it was 2 sepreate people. The first being the hardass who would rather us not create attachements and care about people. She tends to front most of the time. i like to think of her as logic and her name is Alisa. Then i have the soft side of me that only comes out every once in a while when my guard is down.
she tends to be the one what when i see a bee in minecraft i go "BEEEEEE!!!!!" Bascially the one in the zephyrs origins smp. the wide eyed child. I like to think of her as emotion
They fight constantly. they are in a constant battle that is mostly won by the brash logic. Logic tends to be abusive, more verbally than i think physically. i dont think she has hit. and emotion just sorta takes it. she tries and suggest other things and change opinions.
Like right now she is going "eat legit food" while logic is saying "its the only way we can loose weight. we want to loose weight right? We count calories and if we dont eat then we dont really have to count calories. if we stay under 2000 calories a day we will be skinny eventually. easy"
while emotions says its unhealthy, logic doesnt care. its the end goal. We legit got out blood drawn and out liver came back saying malnutrition.
This is something that i deal with and have for a long while now. what quiets them is doing other things. like right now, they are sorta quiet as i am typing this and listeneing to music. watching youtube they are quiet. I also hum or have a song in my head and that quiets them.
Anyways, so they fight as ive said. logic is the one that is mostly fronting, with emotion being like confronting. being there if she needs to be basicially. And so right now they are screaming that no one really likes me. Logic is firm in the fact that we dont have any real friends. they just sorta all tolerate me in some form.
They dont actually want to talk to me, they are just doing that cause they are too nice to straight up tell me to screw off. Emotions has a bit of a doubt in that thinking we do have friends who do want to hang with us but she is out screamed.
One time for about a week i think (i dont remeber. i honestly dont really remeber that week. now that i think about it i really dont rmeeber how long it was.) Emotions legit like jailed logic.
(man this makes me sound insane) but basically she wouldn't let logic come into the headspace control center room. (i legit am now a bit freaking out i dont remeber that.... like i remeber that it happened but that is it....)
I feel like im insane talking about this. i just need this somewhere. ive had them for... almost 7 years id say? i dont know why but bo burnham's left and right brain thing actually what started it as you might notice they have the same peronalities.
I double think alot and it just really helps me organize thoughts by personifying them. i dont think this is any type of mental disorder, ive looked things up if anything its my depression v being normal.
this is sorta a rant and i just needed to put it somewhere.