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aknier I occasionally remember to write things
Autoplay OFF   •   3 years ago
A sad story based off the daily prompt "guilty".


Am I guilty?

Am I responsible for what happened?


Maybe what happened was my fault

Or maybe it wasn't

But the only way to know for sure would be to ask her

And that's impossible now


It was late October when I met her

Despite being bundled up in sweaters her fiery spirit wasn't dampened

She was racing along the riverbank

Being pursued by a young girl

When she crashed right into me

I caught her instinctively

And our eyes caught for a moment

Then, she started to laugh

And I did too

I remember her laugh the most

Rare like silver, warm like gold, and sweet as bells chiming

She gave me a half smile before running away again

I thought that'd be the last I'd see of her

But three days later, I bumped into her in a coffee shop

Literally, bumped into her

She blushed and apologized

Before looking up and recognizing me

We laughed at our clumsiness

And she gave me her number

And entered her name as "Luna<3" in my phone

I called her the next day

Too excited to seem laid back

She said she was glad I called

We spent many hours getting to know each other

And many more talking on the phone

And I made her laugh more and more

Autumn turned into winter

And I had to move away

But our nightly phone calls stayed

We weren't dating, not really

We hadn't known each other long enough to do long distance

But we liked each other too much to say goodbye

So we were pen pals, of sorts

By February, we were wishing we were closer

So I bought a plane ticket and surprised her for Valentine's Day

She laughed and cried and hugged me tight

And in that moment. we were really, truly happy

I had to leave again, though she asked me not to

But I didn't know how I could stay

We'd known each other less than five months

We weren't even dating

I couldn't give up my new job for that

We kept talking on the phone

As the days went on, she was harder to make laugh

Until one day, I realized it had been a while since I'd heard it at all

I didn't mention it

But I decided to try harder

I bought another plane ticket to see her

Two weeks before I was supposed to leave, she left me a strange text

She'd written "Thank you, for everything. XX"

That was all

I replied, of course

But she didn't answer

And didn't answer my calls

Or my emails

I figured that she must be breaking up with me, that she was done

But the tickets were bought

And my parents lived near her

So I decided I'd go anyway

And surprise them instead

My mom was thrilled to see me

And my dad bought all my favorite snacks

But I felt unsettled, unhappy

Uncomfortable in my childhood home

So the night I arrived

I walked over to her apartment building

And knocked on her door

There wasn't an answer

I waited a while, looking around

The apartment seemed dark, and quiet

I figured she must be out

When I saw a note on the mail slot

It read "Please put all mail sent to this address in apartment B24's mailbox"

At once I understood

She must have moved, that was it

So I took the stairs to apartment B24

And I knocked

I heard footsteps coming to the door, and immediately my stomach was a mess of nerves

What would she think, when she saw me here

What would she say?

A young girl opened the door

I recognized her as the one from the park

Her niece, she'd told me over the phone, named Anna

"Mommy! There's a stranger at the door!" Anna yelled

I just smiled at her

A woman, apparently Anna's mother, entered the hall

"Hi, can I help you?" She asked

"Yes, I'm actually looking for Luna" I told her

Her eyes immediately darkened, a sadness surrounding her that I hadn't noticed when she'd first spoken, but now was clear had been draped over her the whole time

"Who are you?" She asked

"Alex" I told her

Her voice cracked as she told me

"You might want to come in".

I sat on their couch as Anna's mother explained to me what happened

I couldn't process what I was hearing

Only one sentence kept ringing though my head, repeating over and over

"Luna killed herself two weeks ago."

I stared blankly at the wall

Letting her unimportant words wash over me

Until something she said caught my attention

"She didn't really leave a note, or anything. Didn't say goodbye to anyone."

"She did." I whispered

"She said goodbye to me"


Am I guilty?

Is it my fault that she killed herself?

Because I was too far away?

Or was it the depression I didn't know about, the struggle I couldn't help her with because she never told me?

These questions keep me up at night

The only thing that helps me sleep is the message she left

I figure if I was important enough to say thank you to, maybe I was the reason she stayed as long as she did

I'll never know for sure

But if I could go back to Valentine's Day

And stay with her

I'd give up my apartment, my job, my life

Just to hear her laugh again

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