Did you know that love and drowning have a lot in common?
I didn't know that either
Until Carter
I fell in love with Carter during my Freshman year
Football games and apple picking are the perfect backdrop to fall for someone
And holding his hand during the pep rally and pinning on a boutineer for homecoming just solidified it
I felt like I was flying when I was with him
But I didn't realize I was in the water, not the air
I loved him so much I forgot to breathe
I let myself sink below the waves so he could float
And as long as he smiled at me, I didn't notice how cold the water was, how deep I was getting
And then he pulled away, off to chase another girl closer to the surface
And that's when I started to struggle
But it was too late
My clothes were too saturated, my lungs already empty
I'd dedicated all I was into loving him, instead of learning to swim
So I let go,
Let the current take me
Until I washed up onto shore
Learning to walk again was difficult after months at sea
But I managed
I got stronger
I got more confident in myself
And eventually, I was able to walk up to Carter again
"You drowned me." I said, my voice clear and strong
And for once I wasn't drowned out by the ocean in his eyes
"Silly girl." He answered.
"I didn't drown you. You drowned yourself."
I wanted to scream, to slap him, to protest
But deep down I knew it was true
He didn't ask me to tie cinder blocks to my ankles
I did so willingly, believing it was what he wanted
But what he really wanted was a girl who could swim on her own
I can swim on my own, now
But not with Carter
I refuse to sink myself for someone else,
And my arms are too strong to fail me
I've loved others, as equals, and enjoyed every minute
But deep down there's always a part of me that remembers the exquisite pain that was drowning myself for him
And I can't decide whether to regret it,
Or to thank him for letting me learn what I'm worth.
Yes, love and drowning have a lot in common
But they don't have to be the same,
As long as you love the right way
Stay to the surface, girl, and don't drown yourself for him
Because he didn't ask you to,
And nobody wants to marry a corpse
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