Almost

Freshman year of college

He lived right next door

The day I moved into the dorms

I ran into him in the elevator

He flashed me that million-dollar smile

And everything was over

I almost asked his name

I almost offered to help with his books

I almost got his number

But I didn't.

Three weeks later,

He knocks on my door.

Our floor had hung out a bunch, so we'd gotten to be almost friends.

"Hey, there's a party tonight at one of the frats, you wanna come?"

"Sure" I say

I almost ask if it can be a date

But instead I act like it's no big deal that Jacob himself just asked me to go with him

'It doesn't mean anything' I try to remind myself

It means everything.

At the party, Jacob grabs us beers.

"Hey Jake!" a bunch of guys call, inviting him to play beer pong or something.

"Not tonight dude!" He calls back, slinging an arm around my shoulder as he steers me to another room

My heart futters

I try not to let myself blush

I certainly fail.

The music is loud, it's hard to hear anything

I almost ask him to dance

I almost grab his hand

But I don't

Jacob leans in close to my ear, shouting above the noise

"I'm really glad you could come tonight!" he yells

"Me too" I mouth back, and he smiles at me

Everything inside me melts

His arm brushes mine

He says something else, I don't catch it, my heart is singing 'Jacob, Jacob, Jacob'

He laughs at me

I look at him, confused

"I SAID SHOULD WE GO OUTSIDE?" He all but screams, and I nod

The crowd of people has pushed me far too close to him for me to be able to think

We wade through people toward the doors

I almost lose him, and he grabs my wrist and tugs me along

Electricity sizzles through my skin

If Jacob's leading, I'd gladly follow anywhere

We finally make it outside

There are much less people

Jacob smiles at me, and I almost tell him

I almost tell him he's all I think about

I almost tell him I've dreamed of kissing him

I almost tell him I'd been imagining tonight as a date, not just a frat party

I almost tell him

But I don't

He points to a bench, and I nod and follow

We sit down, and he stares back at the house, drumming his fingers against his leg

He doesn't talk for uncomfortably long

"Jacob?" I ask

He whips his head back to me.

I almost kiss him

"If you want to go back in and play drinking games or whatever that's fine with me..." I trail off, confused by the way he's looking at me

He just stares

"Jacob?" I ask again

He half-smiles

"Have I ever told you that I love that you call me Jacob?" He asks me. "Most people call me 'Jake' or 'J' but you, you always call me Jacob."

I blush, hating that I am. "Sorry" I mumble.

"Are you kidding? It's adorable" He answers

A shot of adrenaline shoots down my spine. Adorable? Did Jacob just call me adorable? That's not something friends say to friends...

What is he playing at? Does he know how I feel? Is he making fun of me for it? Is this all a setup? Should I-

"Elliot."

His voice breaks through my thoughts.

"Yeah?" I mumble, refusing to look up from my shoes where my eyes are currently locked.

"I just have to get something off my chest" He explains.

I almost run away

I almost throw up

But I don't

"What?" I ask, feeling like a prisoner positioned under the guillotine.

"I totally don't expect you to feel the same way or anything, but I just needed to tell you..." He starts

My brain fills in the end of the sentence.

"...that I hate you." or "...that me being nice to you was just a prank" or "...that your sister's really hot."

"...that I like you. As like, more than a friend." He finishes

I just stare at him, my mouth hanging open.

He blushes, scratching the back of his neck awkwardly. He's even more beautiful when he's nervous.

I almost tell him that that's how I feel too,

But because my brain is still scrambling to take in this new information, I very gracefully blurt out,

"...gay?"

Jacob laughs, his stunning smile breaking out across his face again.

"Yeah, uh, obviously... I thought you knew." He answers. "I know you're straight, so you probably..."

He starts, but I accidentally snort at that.

"What?" He asks

"I'm gay too" I blurt out, still not quite processing the fact that my crush just confessed he likes me

"Wait, really?" He asks, looking as shocked as I'm sure I did when he told me.

And I almost don't, but finally I start,

"Yeah, and I, uh..." I pause, but swallow down my anxiety and blurt it out

"IlikeyoutooJacob."

"Sorry?" He asks, clearly confused.

"I like you too, Jacob." I clarify, and he gives me the biggest, brightest smile I've ever seen

And I've seen a lot of big, bright smiles from Jacob.

I smile back, my whole body tingling with excitement.

"I can't believe this is real" I think.

"Me either." He responds, and I realize I accidentally said that out loud.

"El?" He asks me, grabbing my hand.

My hand almost feels like it's on fire

But in a beautiful, spectacular way

Nobody's ever given me a nickname before

I like it.

"Yes Jacob?" I answer

"Will you go out with me tomorrow?" He asks, squeezing my hand gently

Sparks shoot through me both from his touch and his words.

"Elliot?" He asks, and I realize I've been frozen too long.

"Yes, yes, of course I will" I rush to answer, flushing again.

"You're so cute when you blush" He says matter-of-factly, and I let out a noise embarrassingly close to a squeak.

"Adorable." He says again, and I blush even deeper, unable to wipe the smile off my face.

"Jacob?" I ask, and he tilts his head expectantly

I almost pull him closer

I almost wrap my arms around him

I almost kiss him

But I don't

But Jacob doesn't wait for me to make a move

He kisses me

And the fireworks I feel are more intense than anything I could have imagined

And I almost think I'm dreaming

And I almost worry it's some sort of trick

And I almost give up before we even start

But I don't

Instead, I kiss Jacob under the stars

And he pulls me closer

And I think

That with Jacob

I could be brave enough to change 'I almost'

Into 'I do'

And that's exactly what I say on our wedding day five years later

'I do'