A Fucked Up Past
A Fucked Up Past coming out stories

aknier I occasionally remember to write things
Autoplay OFF   •   3 years ago
As you can probably tell from the title, this story contains mature language. **Also contains themes of abuse**

A Fucked Up Past

He always told me that I should be grateful that he loved me at all

"Not many people would love you, you know." He would always tell me

I'd nod

I knew it was true

I wasn't anything special, really

I had a lot of issues, a fucked up past

Even my mom kicked me out

He was the only one who told me he loved me

The only one who would hold me at night when the nightmares would shake my whole body

The only one who was always there

Which is why I didn't mind so much the other stuff

The hitting, the screaming

The way the smallest things would set him off and nothing I said could stop his rage

He'd always apologize afterwards, and tell me how much he loved me

So I'd forgive him

For a long time, he was all I had

But one day, someone knew started at my job

I trained her on the register, and we got to talking

She liked the same TV shows as me,

And the same bands

After that, work got a lot more fun

And after a while, I started to look forward to going to work more than going home

One day, she invited me out for drinks

I accepted, delighted

Finally, a real friend! Not just a coworker, a friend!

But when I told him, he wasn't happy

"How could you! You knew we had plans for tonight!" He screamed at me

I tried to explain that he could watch the football game without me, just for tonight

That I didn't mind

(I didn't even like football)

But he was having none of it

He said to me

"After all I've done for you, this is how you repay me? By going out to a club like some slut?"

That made me cry

So he slapped me

And I ran out of the house

When I got to the bar, I was still crying, a bright red hand print on my cheek

She jumped up immediately, ignoring my protests that I was fine, and pulled me into the bathroom

She sat on the counter with me until I calmed down,

Not saying anything,

Just stroking my hair

Eventually my sobs faded, and I was able to breathe again

"What happened?" she asked

In a voice so soft and tender it almost hurt more than getting hit

So I told her

About how he made all the rules

And changed them, sometimes without telling me

And the fights and the bruises and the threats

And how he was the only one in the world who could love me


She said

Confused, I looked up from the floor for the first time, the next sob catching in my throat

"That's bullshit, you know. He's not the only one who could love you"

"Look at me!" I screamed, "Who could love something like this?"

She stayed eerily calm, and replied "Anyone. There's nothing wrong with you."

I laughed then, almost maniacally

"Oh yeah? You don't even know the half of it."

I told her about my anxiety, my depression, the scars on my body

I told her how my mother found me kissing a girl and kicked me out of the house

How I lived in my car until I met him, how he stood by me and took me in

"He loves me, he's the only one who possibly could. He tells me that every day and it's true." I finally spat out, breathing hard

"If he really loved you, he never would have said that." She said

I froze, shocked

She was right

"If he really loved you, he wouldn't use your insecurities against you" she told me

Then tears started to fall down my face again

"Well, if he doesn't love me, then nobody will."

"Bullshit." She said again

"Oh yeah?" I sobbed, "Who could love me?"


And then she kissed me

And for the first time, I didn't feel pitied, or broken, or controlled by a kiss

I felt powerful

So I kissed her back

And in that moment, I finally realized what love is

Love isn't kicking your child out of the house for being bisexual

Or controlling everything someone does so they can't leave

It's meeting in the middle, on equal ground, and trusting that the other person won't let you down

And I'm so grateful to my wife for teaching me that

Yes, we're married now

And I haven't seen him since I broke up with him 5 years ago, and he threw a vase at my head

I didn't even care

I was so happy to be done with him that I just ran, and never looked back

And my life now is so much better than it was before

I have a beautiful, supportive wife

And so many good friends who love me

And a therapist who helps me work through things

And I might have a fucked up past, but it made me who I am today

And I like that person

So I know I'll never be anything but grateful for how my life turned out

Because I never expected it, but right now my life is pretty fucking awesome

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