Again….it is happening again. He was having another episode of his unexplainable condition. He sat down with his head rested between his palms.
His heart was so heavy it was dragging him down. He couldn’t see an end to this ongoing loop. A loop of everything good and bad in his life.
His troubled thoughts haunted him like wraiths of cursed spirits. He regretted too many decisions for his soul to handle.
He hated himself more than his heart could live with without being intoxicated. He can’t see any end, he can’t see any hope, he can’t feel or enjoy anything.
He was alone, hurt, depressed, disappointed and frustrated. He didn’t want to lose himself, he wanted to remain true and pure but that was becoming impossible more and more every day.
He started thinking about how he was living his life. How he was convinced of everything he was doing. And the thought of a complete change frightened him.
He felt like a child, alone and abandoned who sheltered himself inside a big and empty house that he built around himself with his unreliable experiences, thoughts,
fears of previous pain and false hopes for a better tomorrow. He was afraid of leaving it if he had to change everything.
He pictured the people in his life walking around the house, only looking through the windows.
Some of them walked few steps inside but ran back outside when they haunted house gave them their first test.
His foolish heart was persuaded that by remaining close to what he knew and believed in, he would remain himself. But it seems that it is not true.
He has to let go of his safety, his expectations, his hopes, his comforts and creaky house. He realized that he has to do everything again from scratch.
It would have been easier if depression was well rooted in the walls of his house. He looked around at the corners were he cried alone, he always cried alone.
Change was coming, he looked outside and saw the storm coming to blow away his house like the classic tale of the wolf and the sheep hiding in a creaky house.
He saw the big bad wolf coming through the storm.
Is it a friend or foe? Is this the storm what will end him? Or is it what he will become? All what he knew, that he will have to let go of everything he believed in and wanted.
But again, he didn’t know how to do that with a heavy heart and a lonely soul.
He can’t seek redemption for either because every time he does that, they both are maimed and a part of them is destroyed. He looked through the window to see his wife and child outside.
They represented so many things to him. A source for dreams and pain alike.
But he was so sick of questioning everything that he let go and allowed that current stage to defeat him and walk over him so he can emerge again. He was too weak to fight.
“I have to do it, because I am dying on the inside everyday”
He has to ride the storm…..
The storm growled as he stood behind his window, a feeling inside him pulled him towards the crushing clouds. He moved his hand slowly to meet the cold glass.
The lack of life inside him made the glass feel warm. Voices started rising behind him in the house; familiar voices that he grew to enjoy.
The feeling of comfort he had in his house grew over him. His desire to enjoy what fleeting happiness he gave himself made him walk back from the window.
He proceeded to cut through the hall all the way to his stairs. Voices became clearer with every step he took up. The rooms in the upper floor held behind their doors his little pleasures.
As he walked down the upper hallway, the doors started to open slowly. One had a very comfortable couch and facing it a large bed.
He just wanted to leave all that struggle and jump inside that comfort. Another door opened to a huge stage and thousands of people cheering his name; so was other rooms.
They portrayed his dreams and the vast recognition he dreamed to get. He dreamt of breakthroughs in science, arts and sports.
He moved even further to rooms that smelled of the most precious and attractive perfumes. The doors of a few rooms opened and behind them stood women.
Many women who crossed his path and found their way into his twisted desires. Different bodies, names and traits but they all infested his lusts.
Some were fully clothes, some weren’t at all, some in costumes and some in cuffs.
He kept walking across all those doors, he saw the doors for his past mistakes. He wanted to go there, back in time and fix them. They remained but a wish.
Paintings were hanged between the doors. They were of himself but more fit, stronger, more attractive and glorious. He kept walking until he saw the last door.
The door he feared, the door that kept him awoke at night, the door that breathed terror in his heart the most.
He fell to his knees and tears just burst as he looked up to the door to his daughter’s room.
It was the furthest from all the other doors. Behind it was the picture he had for himself as a father. He pictured his daughter happy, successful and calm.
She was his biggest dream, to be the best father for her. He feared disappointing her, he feared not being able to defend her against the hurt that life brings.
But what struck his heart with terror the most was the idea of him being the reason of that hurt.
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO” a shout found its way from his lungs, as if it was a roar of a beast. He stood up and dashed down the stairs and outside the house.
He suddenly was standing outside the house. His wife, daughter, father, mother and siblings along with few he knew stood staring at him. They stood in silence as he was in agony.
Now anger and fear are ruling his heart side by side. “I have to do this alone. I have no other option” he said as he looked up to the storm and down again to see them vanishing.
He looked up at the storm to find the darkest cloud moving down.
“What is happening” he asked himself as a dark figure emerged from the storm and descended on him. From among the shrouds, a man appeared.
He was almost as tall as him, dark hair, thick beard, battle scars on his face, a rugged armor that speaks of a thousand battles and a sword behind his back.
The dark man stepped from the shroud further and came closer to him. The man fell to his knees as he saw the warrior’s face; it was an image of himself, the image he always wanted.
“No speeches, no inspirational moments, just one question. Which do you want? To ride a storm or to hide in a creaky house? Don’t give me excuses, I know what happened to you.
I know all. I am you, had you chose not to give up.” The warrior spoke as he circled the man on his knees.
“You keep going inside those rooms every day and come back out empty, sometimes even emptier and sadder. To me, you are pathetic, weak to your desires and disappointing.”
The man wanted to reply but he was silenced by the warrior’s truth. “No logic or excuses can justify your defeat. You let everything walk over you.
But you know, that is not the worst of it. What makes it worse is that you walked over yourself. You chained yourself to your defeat and self-sorrow. YOU BECAME EVERYTHING YOU SWORE NOT TO BE”
“I was able to reach you during a special wake in your heart. I won’t stay for long. Either you leave that house and let us become one. Or stay inside and blame none but yourself.
Don’t tell me how judging others can be, or how they can lack the level of compassion or support you seek. You barked up that tree for long. Now, choose.
” The warrior said as he stood silent looking at the man. The troubled and helpless man broke his silence after a long pause “How? Just tell me….
” The warrior smiled and stretched his arm “Come, I finished the map you started working on years ago and it did guide me to that destination you always wanted.”