My hands reach for the blade, as I hesitate, shame fills my heart and body.
My heart shames me for being a coward,
my body shames me for hesitating.
I look at the papers and numbers,
the only sound I hear is my paradoxical decisions.
I ran from help,
fooling myself that I was fine.
I forced myself to take a breath and feel the numbness sear until the pain subsides.
But I had to inhale again,
cause to the outside world, I was perfect.
Confusion throbs in my head
As the world goes blur,
but not blur enough for me to ignore them.
I pull my hair,
The pain is more than I could take,
But what can be more painful?
Pulling my hair or trying to find hope?
Tears fall silently.
I don't bother to wipe them.
I never bothered to help my pained heart,
how can I help myself?
When did it all start?
When will all this end?