You sit there with your friends. At least, that's what you call them. In reality, they're just people you feel comfortable hanging out with. You hardly ever talk to them.
They hardly ever talk to you.
You let your mind wander, still paying some sort of attention to what they're saying. It goes wherever it wants. Every day is an adventure.
Today, it goes to the thought that you don't know who you are. The way you act at work is nothing like the way you act at home.
You're part of at least 3 friend groups, and you act differently in all 3 of them.
People are talking about getting know you "as a person". You can only think about how you don't even know who you are. It always makes you feel weird.
Almost like you're part of a bunch of games, all with very different genres.
You hear them say your name. Looking up, they mention how quiet you are and how uncomfortable you must be. You just shrug.
"I must've gotten used it," you say.
Well that was depressing, you think. And yet, there's no way you're depressed. The feeling comes and goes, and, when it is there, it feels like nothing.
Thoughts like this never affect your life, so you never bother to get therapy.
It feels like it's getting worse day to day, but you can't see any changes from your past self so it can't be that bad.
You look through symptoms of depression and anxiety. You can't see any of the symptoms in your life. However, you see yourself in every "depression post".
Every time someone brings up depression online, you can see yourself in those situations.
"It can't be anything," you think. It barely effects my life. People talk about how "it's all in your head" and "people don't see you like that".
Whenever you hear that, you can't help but think that it really is all in your head. It doesn't effect your physical life, so it can't be anything.
At least, that's what you keep telling yourself. It can't be anything. It isn't anything.
You refuse to go to therapy because you don't want to contribute to the already unnecessarily high depression rates. You can handle this. It's nothing.
Yet, in the back of your mind, you know it isn't nothing. But, further back in your mind, you know it's nothing.
It's like your mid is telling you it's something and your brain is telling you it's nothing. You've always used both of them to make decisions, so which is right?
"Whatever," you think, "I'll just keep pushing. Afterall, it's gotten me this far." But, deep in the very back of your mind, you don't know whether or not it'll be enough.