Connection is why we're here. It's what gives our life meaning.
But I've always been alone.
And I'm tired of being alone.
I'm just tired of being.
Shame is fear of disconnection: the fear that our differences and imperfections make us unworthy of connection.
But, sometimes it's not an irrational fear: you are certain that your differences drive people away. And you're certain of that because it's happened too many damn times.
I'm ashamed of being.
Excrutiating vulnerability boils down to a sense of worthiness, love, and belonging.
But, even then: you can know that you deserve love, but still never get any, even if you always give it.
I'm tired of not being loved.
I'm tired of wanting to be loved.
I'm tired of wanting altogether.
Wholeheartedness stems from a sense unnapologetic trueness to oneself and others,
and true connection can't be achieved without authenticity and vulnerability;
and yet, authenticity and vulnerability are not enough by themselves.
I know they're not. Because I live by them, and here I am.
I'm tired of being authentic, though I know being fake is not going to be any better.
I'm tired of being vulnerable, and being hurt time and time again.
I'm tired of hurting.
But then you can't numb vulnerability without numbing everything that brings you joy.
And then you're misserable. You look for meaning and purpose,
and you're vulnerable again.
And you try to numb it again.
Through addiction, pseudo-perfection and lies. False senses of certainty.
About blames, about politics, about religion, about hurt.
And you're vulnerable again. And you try to numb it again.
And so on, and so forth.
Some people say that the answer is to be true, and vulnerable, because it will be ok.
To believe that you're enough, because "everyone is".
But what if that's a lie in and of itself? A white lie? A "fake it 'till you make it" kind of lie?
I don't believe I'm enough. I know I deserve love, but I just don't get any.
Even when I'm myself, and even when I deeply care for others.
I can't keep lying to myself. I can't keep pretending I'm enough.
I just want to not want to connect anymore.
I'm tired of loving.
I'm tired of wanting.
I'm tired of dissapointing.
I'm tired of hurting.
I'm tired of trying.
I'm tired of being.