Prose by adelinefecker
Jealousy is ugly I promise I’ll never wear it.
Instead I will learn what nonchalance feels like on my skin, and how tight it can pull my smile. Eventually I will find it comforting. I will learn to thrive off the deception and the control.
All I want is for you to believe me but not believe me.
To have you see through me. But if you were to do that, I would never learn. And I will learn. I promise I will learn to be happy for you.
But do not ask me to choreograph the way you hold hands,
or the way you kiss her lips so gently. Because I could show you how in ways she never could. I know how to do that. I do not need to learn how. No, what I need to learn is how to disappear.
I will learn how to disappear not only for you
but for my heart which is weak and tempted. I will shrug my shoulders and my bones will not quake with everything I still have inside me. And people will stop asking. I will learn.
I will take everything you have shown me and I will learn
what it means to love someone so deeply, what it takes to sacrifice everything you need, and to learn to be happy.