Prose by adelinefecker
I look at them and my heart swells with envy.
I did not want him. I did not want her. I just want what they have.
No matter how hard I’ve tried to erase that needy child inside me that screams out LOVE ME, I have not been able to extinguish her voice completely.
Because when I see hands wrapped together, and arms twisting around one another, I imagine that for me.
And it hurts.
I feel that child clawing my stomach again and I cross my arms in the hopes of protecting myself from her marks.
But she is inside me.
I avert my eyes with the hope of distracting the child who has now crawled her way into my eyes. Her hands are peeking through my eyelids pushing tears forward.
I am alone.
This is a hunger that no amount of food or drink will ever satisfy. A longing that sweeps me off my feet into that black trench I tried so hard to avoid. I am alone. without this child.
It would be easier to be empty.
To throw this child out of me. Letting her blood flow in the tears she’s threatened so many times before.
Ripping her from me and throwing her into the trench she helped me build when I was young and heartbroken.
Throwing her into the forest I let become overgrown inside my mind. Throwing her into my depression. Letting her fuck my anxiety the way she’s always wanted to.
She can love those things for me.
If I were empty I could finally breathe.
I could finally tell my friends I’m happy for them without looking away. I could finally say that I am over him without crossing my fingers behind my back.
I could finally look in the mirror and say I love myself
because she would be gone. I would be empty.
(Even now as I write this I want to delete it all. I want this page to be empty, too)