Friday, December 8, 2017
Dear Ex-Best Friend,
You make my life so much harder, I couldn’t focus today in math because I didn’t know what I was doing and you posted on Snapchat.
I really should block you if seeing you happy makes me this upset. I don’t want to though. When I saw Little Lion Man as your top song of 2017, It pissed me off.
I got all kinds of nostalgia and flashbacks of the summers when we were friends. It reminded me of the day in 8th grade when I told you why I love that song so much.
I told you how well it fit with Casting Moonshadows. That was far before our friendship started falling apart.
I saw a moonshadow outside my bedroom window and few days ago. I felt this sad nostalgic feeling that I hate because it makes me feel so empty. I went outside to go see it.
I got all of the memories of that night in the summer, It was once our friendship started falling apart.
The night as three am when we were talking about God knows what and then you started getting judgy on things but we saw the moonshadow and went outside to sit near it.
It was beautiful. The white light from the moon shone onto the water of the pool with elegance. It looked like magic, like I could float in the water and my greatest wish would come true.
At that moment my greatest wish would have been courage. I wanted to be able to tell you how much you’ve hurt me. But I didn’t want to hurt you.
That's the thing about me, someone could hurt me beyond repair and I still wouldn’t want to be rude to them.
Back to the moon shadow, it cast a dim light on the deck and it felt like nothing could hurt me. I had this feeling of serenity.
I felt on top of the world for just a bit, until I sat back and remembered what was actually happening in the world.
My life was crumbling, my best friend hurt me, everything was falling apart before my eyes and I wasn’t fast enough to scramble and pick up the pieces.
I’m sitting in ANP writing this.
I’m listening to Stomach it by Crywolf and trying not to cry because it reminds me of Casting Moonshadows and that reminds me of the summer,
it reminds me of everything before everything fell apart. I have much better friends but I haven’t created memories like we had. I love Henri, he’s like the best brother that I never had.
He feels bad about himself and even though I’ve only known him since this semester, I feel like I need to tell him how great he is.
I need to tell him how much his presence and words of encouragement have helped me.
Henri senses things slightly wrong with someone and needs to make sure they’re okay before he can go on with what he is doing.
This boy is so fucking great and it saddens me how much he doesn’t understand his great qualities.
I guess this is getting a bit off track, this letter was supposed to be how much you have messed with my head and emotions and everything, not how great of a person Henri is.
I don’t even know what else there is to talk about.
Maybe how you pretended to be encouraging and care about my writing but you really didn’t give a shit?
Maybe how you told me to my face what you hated about me but said it was different than what Emma did because you weren’t going behind my back. In a sense that’s true but it’s still not right.
It’s still not okay. It hurt me more I think, to hear from you how much you secretly hated me.
You told me how lucky I am to be in school and that I’m selfish for not doing my work without listening to the fact that my depression was so fucking bad I didn’t have any motivation to
do homework. Or anything really. You never actually listened or cared when I was at my lowest point.
It’s funny how at one point I wrote an essay about how much you had saved me, from my friendship with Emma. And now a year later she’s helping me cope with ending our friendship.
I would like to say goodbye, without saying it to you because I don’t think you deserve an explanation even though you already got one from my post on Instagram.
Never speak to me again,