This is weird. I don't know why I am doing this. Hopefully by the end, we will both be able to make sense of it.
Hi! my name is Aakanksha; it means desire, something that I have always wanted to be - someone's desire. But I never truly felt it - desirable.
You know those girls, beautiful, delicate with the smile that can put a thousand suns to shame, and you believe with all your heart that something has to be wrong with them,
something truly messed up because no one can be that perfect, no one has the right to be perfect. Beauty or personality, you only get one - that's the rule.
And for the major part of It I have been right. Except when I met them.
It was our first day, she was standing in front of me. "Beautiful dress" I thought to myself and realized it probably wouldn't look great on me.
OK listen up, I am pretty, like your above average pretty you know, the kind you look at and think to yourself "oh, cute" and then just forget in like 5 seconds.
Beauty like me doesn't make your head turn, keep you up at night, makes you ache during a song. But she was beautiful, not flawless......
I mean she had buck teeth but overall, you just look at her and feel that only good things can happen to her. Nothing will ever go wrong in her life.
We strike up a conversation. Her voice was like wind chimes on a windy day. I think the right word is sonorous. Her eyes narrowed to slits when she laughed and crinkled on the sides.
I wondered why I noticed these things. I am straight. Yes, very straight.... straight to the extent that I prefer gay porn over lesbian.
Then what is it that makes my heart leap whenever a beautiful girl touches my hand, accidentally grazes my elbow, pulls me close to whisper a secret and hugs me carelessly.
She laughed at something I said and almost immediately it became the purpose of my life to impress her, make her laugh, be in her good books and just be close to her, forever.
Once she called me to her room and I marveled at the state of it. The walls decorated with posters, things neatly organized in boxes and makeup, a lot of it and not the cheap kind.
She looked good without the makeup as well but it did help. I thought about my lip balm and kajal and felt like an absolute failure.
If only I knew the art of makeup, half my problems would disappear. If only I went to parlor regularly, got waxed and facials, life wouldn't be such a bitch.
I remember going to a friend's room once who was showing me clothes, she had gotten on sale.
There she indulged in a conversation about lipstick shades with others and I felt so ill equipped to deal with that situation, I limped out the room.
No, this isn't TOMBOYS vs PRETTY IN PINK, this is a genuine lack of knowledge that makes you feel lesser than and out of place. You want to belong; you really do but you don't know how.
My mother doesn't know much about makeup, doesn't use it. How would I know?
Anyways, let's not get side-tracked. I am in her room and she shows me something on her phone, my focus is on the thing but soon I notice the wallpaper. It's a guy, kissing HER.
The guy is good looking, in fact the best our college can offer and she looks happy but something inside me doesn't feel right.
Why did I feel jealous of him? The fact that it makes me a little sad knowing someone else is extremely close to her, the kind of close I will never be.
But then I think about kissing her and I don't want that either. I would still kiss the guy. Then what is it? Why am I so fucked up? What do I want?
My second encounter was a year later and this time it wasn't as conspicuous as last. She wasn't beautiful. She was cute, like me.
When I met her, she didn't even smile and I thought to myself "wow, rude!". Soon after we started talking and hit it off. I felt that we had a lot in common and I could talk to her for hours.
I would like to think that she had grown fond of me too.
Days later, something very unsettling happened to me.
It was almost as if my whole belief system was shaken and not just because of the person responsible, but also because of my naivete & stupidity.
In my nicety I had put myself in a very dangerous situation which I got out of but not without slight trauma. Sharing this experience with her brought us closer than before.
I felt connected and happy like we shared something very special. Then she told me about her boyfriend and showed me a picture as well.
I was happy for her, but something inside me stirred up again. She told me about the time they had sex and I got more uneasy.
Sure, I laughed and joked and did what every other normal girl-friend would say, but that old feeling was back.
I especially remember the day she was leaving forever. I have missed people before, I miss my mom and dad every day. I miss places, I miss moments but I usually only say I miss my friends.
See, I am not a very emotional person and this lack of emotional connect makes things easier for me.
The only people who are still with me besides my family were people who saw something in me and made a genuine effort to stay in my life.
Had the onus been on me, I would have stayed alone the rest of my life because of one simple reason - I don't miss people.
But when she left, I actually felt what it means when people say with a lump in their throat that they will miss you.
These are only some of the many encounters I have had with pretty girls that made me feel differently.
I still stand by the fact that I am straight but I strongly believe that there is something about pretty girls with good nature and kind heart that makes your stomach churn in excitement.
They make the world a better place just by their existence and wield power over not just the opposite sex but over their own.
I'm sorry we were not able to make sense of it, and I am still just as lost as I was when we started.
But at least writing it down makes it real and not a story that would have been long forgotten.