What do you write when you haven't in so long. Do you stop when you make a mistake? Do you push through all the grammar errors? How do you keep going when you don't know where you're headed.
This seems to be a common thread in my life right now. I don't know where I'm going. When this thought comes to mind I completely blank. That's it. That's all.
Until something else comes into mind and brings back my rambling thoughts, but never that one. I never seem to be able to propose it as a question with an answer.
Where are you going? " to Venice to start my life as a fashion blogger." Where are you going? "To law school so I can become the next supreme court justice." I don't have that.
I don't have goals. That's not true, but my goals are short term. Do this so you can do this, and don't forget to do this or everything else will start crumbling apart.
I am in survival mode, but what am I surviving? College? Life? This week? Today? I can survive today, but I feel like tomorrow never comes no matter how many todays pass.
I guess there is a path, but it will come to an end and I am terrified of falling off. It would be different if I knew how I was supposed to keep going, but I think that's the problem.
I am not supposed to do anything. I could do everything. I don't want to do everything. I want to find my something. Passion. Drive. Something that I love enough to want.
To want something is what I want. I want the wanting to be over. I want to wake up and realize what the thing is that makes me want to breathe for the rest of my time here.
I don't care what it is. I don't care what it is I promise. I promise that my needs will feel easier when I know what I want. Sick. I'm sick of this. I want to keep going.
I want to find my want, but I don't know how. I don't. I don't I can't, when will these words leave my every moment. My entire being is made up of these words. How do I fix it? Me. My life.
How do I make a plan? How do I create a path? I'm lost. I'm lost and I can't get out. Up. I'm starting to feel like I can't get up. What I would give to float up. To see what can be.
To scout ahead each path I could choose. I'm scared.
Scared and what do I do to stop being afraid? I thought if I kept pushing I would know, but this is the beginning, not the end, not even the middle, and I feel stuck.
Maybe this is normal, but to what extent. How do you measure? When I climb how do I look at everyone else who is climbing and know.
Know what they have accomplished, want to accomplish, will accomplish. Why does it have to be like this? Why can't I figure it out? Life is a puzzle. Now what? The end? Stuck.
Stuck again and the circle continues, but it feels good to put words on a page. I put words on a page.