1. Lawyers hope you get sued, doctors hope you get sick, cops hope you're criminal, mechanics hope you have car trouble, but only a thief wishes prosperity for you.
2. As a kid my parents taught me to not believe everything I see on TV, now I have to teach them to not believe everything they see on Facebook.
3. What if Earth is like one of those uncontacted tribes in South America, like the whole Galaxy knows we're here but they've agreed not to contact us until we figure it out for ourselves.
4. If I get up 10 minutes earlier than usual, I treat it like 2 extra hours and end up late for work.
5. Aliens invaded the Moon on July 20th, 1969.
6. I've woken up over 10,000 times and I'm still not used to it
7. Christmas feels more like a deadline than a holiday.
8. Somewhere in the world, there is somebody with your dream job that hates going to work everyday.
9. "DO NOT TOUCH" would probably be a really unsettling thing to read in braille.
10. Vehicles today can surf the web, link to your phone, stream music and videos, etc.. but they still can't perform a simple database lookup to tell you what the check engine light is on for.
11. There should be a millenial edition of Monopoly where you just walk round the board paying rent, never able to buy anything.
12. Gyms should have memberships where your fee goes down based on how often you go.
13. My dog understand several human words. I don’t understand any dog barks. He may be smarter than me.
14. If aliens come to earth, we have to explain why we made dozens of movies in which we fight and kill them.
15. Every time a character dies on a TV show I just feel bad for the actor who pretty much just got fired in front of us.
16. Earth is like a guy who knows exactly where to stand next to a bonfire.
17. Cemeteries would be way more interesting if they put the cause of death on the headstone.
18. Snapchat is ruining all the progress we made on getting people to take horizontal videos
19. The fact that I can't recognize my co-workers outside of uniform 85% of the time, tells me superman knows exactly what he's doing.
20. Car horns should only be allowed to be in pitches C, E, and G, so whenever two people honk at the same time it will be in harmony and traffic jams will sound like symphonies.