I sit alone fearing the world. Fearing my peers almost as if ashamed.
I sit alone because I refuse to let anyone in. I have locked my life away from people
because I can't stand what I see in them. I find general disgust in those around me, so I sit
in my room. The door to my room locked as tight as the door to my life.
Nobody enters but equally if not more curious is everyone leaves.
The door once sat open, happy and wide for all to see as open arms
do to a loved one not seen for a long period of time.
But now it sits closed.
Inside sits a recluse. A shadow of what was once a person.
They sit in exile for they know not what to do to leave the room
is to leave shelter and walk into the chaotic storm that is society
and to experience the wonderful horror that is social interaction
which I equally despise
yet yearn for.
Too many times have I been wronged.
Too many times have I been passed over, taken advantage of, lied to, beaten down,
neglected, left alone.
Everyone seems to leave. I’ve grown used to it. My parents divorced and I took it personally.
As if maybe I could have been a better daughter
and found a way to make them happier,
then maybe things would not have gone the way they did.
So many nights I have sat asking myself if I would give it all back
to have one more day of my mom and dad together.
Just one more saturday morning where I would crawl into their bed
and sleep during the wee hours of the morning
and then make blueberry muffins with my dad
and watch movies in the living room happily.
But it will never happen again. People have seen to that.
Spreading rumors which tore my family apart.
The cold knife of society digging deeper and deeper into our backs
and prying the family in half, leaving me in the center.
Within a span of 2 years, everything I ever knew or loved was torn apart
by words spoken by people too arrogant to keep to themselves
and too ignorant not to believe. No girl should have to see her mother cry herself to sleep.
To see the strongest person in her life cry for reasons out of her control.
I sit alone in my room not because I feel like the world owes me something,
but because I fear what it may do to me. I equally despise people as well as myself.
Yet I yearn for a connection to someone.
I sit and alone and ask myself why I don't open the door,
yet I am frozen with fear and cannot open it.
I let things build up to a point where I don't want to let anybody in anymore.
Because Im afraid of what they will see.
I am afraid of what I have become.
Somedays I look in the mirror and can't stand the girl I am looking at.
So I sit in my room in hopes that nobody else will have to see it either.
I am a recluse yet I yearn for interaction.
People walk back and forth past me and see me at school,
but they will never know what happens in my head.
They will never know the wars I have fought and the ones I am fighting.
The victories and the defeats.
They walk past seemingly not noticing the mess that stands before them.
I sit alone and in a dark place
as a by product of betrayal.
Too scared to open the door and see what might lay in store outside of it.
I feel that betrayal has ruined my life before it had a chance to get going.
Like crushing a chrysalis before the butterfly can form.
A part of me is always going to fear people.
No matter what happens, I am not the same person I was.
As of now I am not the person I want to be.
But the fear keeps me from doing anything about it.
And so I sit…