I was siting on the roof watching stars the stars, again.
It was little cold outside but it only gave me the chance to look at the stars better.
There are so many. And everyone of them shines so brightly no matter what.
I don't understand how they manage to do that.
I can't even manage to put myself together for one fucking day.
They say that you need dark to see stars shining.
So where the fuck is my shiny stars? I have been in the dark for so long but no stars ever come.
The more and more I start to think about ending my life.
Who would care? These few people who enjoy my stupid youtube videos?
I get out Cigarette and put it between my lips giving it a life with the little flame from my lighter.
I inhale deeply to feel it's burning effect.
I hold it in for a good moment. I liked to feel that burning.
That make me think that I can actually feel like normal peoples do.
I breath out the smoke and watch them dancing with stars in this black, cold night.
I lay back down, letting cold press throught my clothes.
I watch how the smoke can dance with the stars and than vanish.
I want to vanish like that.
Just like the smoke does.
Soon all of the Cigarette was done.
I put it away and kept watching the stars.
They are so beautiful.
It would be so amazing to be one of these stars.
I close my eyes as tears started to burn it's way out.
I don't wanna cry. I'm sick of crying.
But the tears come otherwise. They burn their way out.
Tears felt hot water on my cold cheeks.
I stand up and look down over roof edge.
So many blurry colors.
I stand up on the edge of the roof.
I just stood there breathing deeply.
And than I start to walk around it.
I didn't care that my vision's so blurry from the tears. I just put each step without fear.
And what if I put it where there isn't the edge anymore? I will fall but than I won't need to jump.
One less problem.
I laugh out loudly for myself.
Stupid Dan. Stupid stupid Dan.
Playing with death again.
It only made me laugh more.
And that's how my leg slipped.
And a big smile made it's way on my lips.
I felt myself start to fall but suddenly two strong arms pulled me back.
I was so shocked.
What the hell?
These strong arms fell to the roof ground. Me ontop of the body who's arms these were.
And for a second I let myself listen to this person's crazy fast heartbeat. He sounded scared.
These strong arms gripped me even tighter.
"Of god! You scared me! I thought I wouldn't catch you in time." The person- man spoke. And he really was scared.
But scared for what?
I tilted my head and looked into his eyes.
And suddenly I was lost once again.
These blue eyes, even in the dark was so shiny.
So worth staying.
And suddenly I kissed this man under me.
I got him by suprise. I saw his eyes open wide.
But after a second he let me in and answered my sudden kiss.
I put one of my hands in his hair. And oh my, how soft they were.
And his full lips. They felt perfect against mine.
I ended the kiss and looked away.
"Wow... Em ... I'm Phil, by the way." The man under me said making me smile.
I looked back into his eyes.
"I'm Dan.." I hear myself saying.
My voice sounded so deep and broken.
"Nice to meet you, Dan. But it would be more pleasant if we would have met in diferent circumnastance. But I'm thankfull that I got here in time to catch you." Phil said truthfully.
"Well, It doesn't matter. I still want to jump of that edge." I hear myself saying before I could stop myself.
"Why?" Phil sounded so sad.
And for a second I believed that he cared.
"It doesn't matter. I'm nothing." I tried to push myself up but Phil's strong arms were still around me and didn't let me.
"Don't say that. Life is worth living. Trust me." Phil said, sitting up with me in his lap.
"I just met you and you want me to trust you?" I laughed loudly.
-"Yeah. Trust me pretty boy." Phil laughed as well.
"Pretty boy?" I asked, raising my eyebrow as a little smile appeared on my lips.
"You are pretty. Now come on. Let's get inside. It's freezing outside." Phil stood up without letting me go.
"It's perfectly normal outside." I said, looking up at stars.
"Yeah, if you want to catch cold." Phil said, leading me inside.
I followed in silent. Like I had any choice.
He led me inside his apartment and locked the door.
"Now come. We will get you hot tea and some warm blankets to put around." Phil said finally, taking his arms off of me.
He took the puffy blanket from the sofa and put it around me, leading me to the kitchen. He sat me down and started to make me tea.
I watch Phil's every movement.
He was really fit.
With a good looking ass.
Wait wait wait, Dan. Stop looking at this guy's ass.
He saved you. And just because he answered that one kiss doesn't mean that he will want to sleep with you.
Get these perv thoughts out of your head.
"Dan? Are you alright?" Phil was standing really close to me.
"I don't know..." I whispered.
"Come. Drink some tea so you can warm up and talk." Phil led me to the good looking sofa.
We sat down really close to each other.
I drank the tea without saying a word.
I felt somehow calm but scared at the same time.
"You hate what?" Phil asked, looking straight at me.
"What?" I dumbly asked.
"You said you hate these. You hate what" Phil asked.
"Mixed feeling." I blurted out, taking the last sip of my hot tea.
"Yeah. They are awfull." Phil put his hand on mine.
"Why did you catch me?" I asked all of sudden.
"Because you were falling. I couldn't let a boy like you jump of that roof." Phil said, gripping my hand.
"Are you gay?" I suddenly blurted out.
"Wow. That was random." Phil laughed out. "But yes. And you?"
"I don't know.. Well I liked kissing you and checking you out." I said truthfully.
"I knew you were checking me out in the kitchen." Phil smiled.
"Sorry..." I said, looking down.
"Don't be. It's okay." Phil said, pushing my hair out of my eyes.
I looked at him and just simply hugged him.
Phil hugged me back in a tight hug.
"I don't know what is wrong with me. And I don't know what is right about me. I don't know anything. I feel so empty. And more and more all I want is to end my life. Vanish just like smokes do.
Puff and nothing." I started to cry.
"Shh. I know how it feels. It will get better. Soon. I promise. It will." Phil said, keeping me in tight hug.
He kissed me on top of my head.
And it felt so calming.
I tilted my head and looked in his eyes.
And I just simply kissed him. Again.
His kiss made me feel so calm.
It made me feel safe.
In the right place.
I kissed him like my life depended on it.
And Phil answered every little one.
And it felt like he enjoyed this just like I did.
He suddenly picked me up and carried me to a whole diferent room.
He put me down on the big bed and laid next to me, pulling me back into a kiss.
It felt incredible to feel his kisses.
My eyes suddenly open and I felt tears running down my cheeks.
I inhaled a deep breath that was so needed.
I started to breath faster and deeper.
Tears were streaming down my cheeks like crazy.
"Dan? Dan, baby, what's wrong?" Phil asked well really worried. He turned on the light.
"Phil..." I said, climbing in his lap hugging him.
"Shhh. Baby. Shhh. It's okay. It's okay. I'm here. I'm here. I'm holding you, baby.." Phil was murmuring in my ear.
I just held onto Phil and let him comfort me.
The tears stopped and my breathing came back to normal.
"Would you like to tell me what just happened?" Phil asked, running his hand through my curly messy hair.
"I dreamed.. Remembered how we first met... It was so real... Like I was there again... So broken... And that I wanted to die..." I was close to tears again.
"Shh shh shh. You are now with me. That is in the past. It won't happen again. I won't let you break like that." Phil said, kissing my forehead.
"What would I do without you, Phil?" I murmured, hugging him stronger.
"Well lets not think about it. I am here. I am yours. So let's just kiss." Phil said, trying to cheer me up.
"You know I will never say no to the oportunity to kiss you, right?" I said, letting a small smile out.
"I know." Phil said, smiling and leaning down to kiss me.
I pushed us down and felt perfectly comfortable lying on top of Phil.
Feeling his arms running over my body and through my hair.
I felt safe in Phil's arms.
"Thank you..." I whispered into the kiss.
"You're welcome, baby." Phil said, kissing me deeper.