Every time I let myself unravel, they hurt me. I want to feel peace. But my mind runs dark. Everything's bottled. Every things locked up, kept in the dark and never released. More and more.
More and more thoughts come. No friendly thoughts. Only ones that make you wander off a cliff into space. I love, I give, I do, I don't, I obey, I stay silent. But they never realize I hurt.
They stay happy. My focus is their satisfaction. Never mine. Never was. I was never me.
Am I scared? What am I to them? To all? Am I another human being or childish kid or an slut or am I less than a human, then anything? I'm nothing. I deserve to be tossed.
Thrown and bullied, stabbed and slashed. Pushed and busied, pulled and cut. Burned and forced. I deserve to live in a never ending hell. Death would be a pleasure but I can't.
I deserve this pain. For some reason I did wrong somewhere. One word is a life of regret. Life of shame and guilt. SHUT UP, I scream to myself.
They use me, make me feel awful to feel better about them, but it's okay, it's for them. I don't need to be happy, so it's alright. I'm nothing and deserve the worst, so it's alright.
Just smile for me and go on and laugh at me like everyone else. It's okay. It's not like I'm on the edge about to jump. I promise I don't have a blade at my flesh.
I promise I'll still be here for you to hurt me and use me. So don't worry. It's normal for someone like me to be like this. I'm nobody. So it's okay.