Nowadays the days feel longer. The days are always hot and humid. It feels constricting to stay in the base everyday- The base is bang dead in the middle of a large field.
It is strategically in a great location as three sides are blocked off by natural features and only one side can be used to actually move out or be attacked.
It is perfect strategically but it doesn't mean it's comfortable. At all.
The tents provide a cover from the heat and the sweat and the griminess. But the tents are not my favourite place.
There is a small clearing right outside the medical sector that is a bit elevated and provides a view of large sprawling land full of flowers and plants and whatnot.
'This is the land we're fighting for.' Commander had once told me when he had spotted me gazing at the scenery. I merely nodded, I disagreed in my mind but I kept my tongue from speaking.
'It is not why I am fighting.' I wanted to say. What I wished I had said that day. Then perhaps commander wouldn't have trusted me so much and hadn't sacrificed his life to save his squad and I.
He died a hero and I truly respect him. But his death was in vain, I believe.
The war is already lost. Not because we have less men than the other side or because we have lost more land than the others. It is because in the eyes of the world. We are already the bad men.
It is because even if we win each small battle it would only make others join the cause to the other side.
Each victory we scrounge only helps to make other countries fear even more. They fear us because in their eyes we are demons. Demons never to be analogised to men.
One of ours managed to get his hands on a propaganda movie from various sources and after we saw it we all joked about how we were portrayed.
'We rape women and indoctrinate our children to hate, We destroy the land we take and we are all greedy bastards who want nothing more but to kill others.
' It is so easy to propagate hate, I realised. So easy to colour people 'right' or 'wrong' in the eyes of the masses.
I wonder how many 'wrong' people I have despised that were portrayed like this movie has portrayed me?
I have read many books that speak about the 'horrors of war' but they never speak of the horrors that precede war. The actions that push people to break war.
It was not my country's wish to harm other countries on purpose, my country was just pushed to the point that there were little options that they had left.
I, myself, was a penurious youth before this war gave me purpose. I had not always been on the lower side of the socioeconomic spectrum.
I used to be a professor,
and was highly respected in my university but after the extreme poverty my country had to suffer because of treaties that the very countries we are fighting now had caused the University to
not have enough money left in the budget to pay me. I was kicked to the streets, no family, no friends or any kind of support. It was why I fought. Because I could do literally nothing else.
I once used to teach, But that skill has little importance on a battlefield. I had nothing to lose back home, but I was very scared of the afterlife.
I had no fear of hell, I was hardly a religious man- But the fact that everything would blank out and I would be left to my thoughts for an eternity. It was not something I could stand.
Perhaps my fear was what kept me alive all this time while those much braver, smarter and better had died before me.
I was afraid of death but the war hardly scared me. The so called 'horrors of war' completely unfazed me.
I had seen so much death, poverty and desolation on the streets of the little dingy corner I used to linger at that all the things I saw in war were almost like a child's playground.
I always thought of the writers of the books I read as yellow bellied rich idiots who knew nothing of the 'horrors' happening below their very own bungalows and flats to know anything about
the 'horrors' of war.
Perhaps I wouldn't have made an exceptional writer.
My squad always changes faster than I could ever acquaint myself to anyone. So I stopped bothering after my third squad.
They only people I meet on a regular basis are a few soldiers like me who don't stay in their tents in the base. They are the closest thing to friends I can have.
Years of being a street dweller that most people turned their nose at have taken their toll on my social skills, but I have just enough charm to make friends with the gentlemen in the base.
I was once the most patriotic person in my social group. Now I am highly indifferent to the idea of the 'Eternal Empire' That we are fighting to secure.
The countless history lessons that my fellow professors have taught have provided incalculable evidence to me that no empire, no matter how strong, can stand the test of time.
Perhaps we can be the first 'Imperii aeterna'.
I may not write in this diary again tomorrow. But I have had enough 'perhaps' in my life to know better than to expect consistency. So if this is the last entry- 'good bye.'