It's 4 am and I can't sleep. There are only the stars outside. All I hear is the clock. A constant beat. One dull thud at a time. Teasing me. Reminding me.
Reminding me that its 4 am and I'm still not asleep.
I lay in bed staring at the sky and in that darkness, the walls begin to crumble. My stomach sits tightened in knots, each cord a memory that keeps me awake. Churning endlessly.
Roiling and raging as my mind skitters and crashes from the memory of one old wound to the next. A spiteful insult, a vicious lie, death by a thousand cuts they say.
It's 4 am as I start to peel back the scabs on them all.
I shift my mind instead to all the advice I've heard. Counting sheep, exercise, meditation, blackout curtains and weighted blankets.
None of them have helped because as soon as the lights go out a monster appears. Cobbled together out of every piece of my pain.
Every day gives it more to feed off of and every day it gets bigger. The days keep coming. The days won't stop coming.
I can see the sky getting lighter as the sun begins to rise. It's 4 am, why can't I sleep?